It's Behind You, But Always There

I've been contemplating for a while now on rather to write about something that seemed to creep up out of nowhere. It always does, some how. I think it's a way of the Divine Mother's way of testing your strength and resistance, recalling acounts from the past that - for better or worse - changed your life.

One "anniversary" behind me, another slowly approaching. Being an active supporter and volunteer of RAINN and the Joyful Heart Foundation, I'm always aware of the events that are going on in my area and nationwide. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (hmm, how fitting?) and November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. But, the 25th of September is RAINN Day on college campuses across the nation, bringing awareness to the prevelance of sexual assault to college age students. (Ironically enough, 9/25 is the anniversary of my first rape)

Being a proud survivor, supporter and speaker are just a few ways I have overcome those dark parts of my life and become the strong, independent woman I am today. But, this does not mean the events don't still linger there and that the "triggers" disappeared. Just last week I had someone - a woman no less - tell me it was something I had to "get over". My first instinct was "THE NERVE!". But then I understood that she had no idea what she was saying. Through all of my years of volunteer work and being a supporter of survivors like myself, that is the LAST thing you tell anyone who has endured a trauma.

As everyone knows, I can't stand smoking. For various reasons, but the last incident is pretty much the one that sealed the coffin on it. What started innocently enough, someone trying to "make amends" - for lack of better terminology - and be the sweet guy he is, set my mind in a tail spin of sorts. I've avoided it for years now, primarily the reason I won't date smokers; the lingering STENCH that stays on the hands and fingers after one has smoked a cigarette. If you're a smoker, you don't understand, but those of us who don't... you know what I'm talking about. It's a dirty, musty, chemical smell. It's the smell I remember before passing out after being "ruffied"... and the first one upon coming to.

That single incident of someone wanting to touch my cheek... and that "smell" set me off. It's a triggier I concsiously and sub-consiously have avoided for 7 years. It's one that seems to bring back the pain and memories more than anything else. Yes, I remember it like yesterday, but for years I've been able to compartimentalize it in a box and keep it away. There was no real emotion to it past dealing with it at the time it happened and the few months that followed. Now, just a memory of that smell.... and it makes my stomach turn and my head spin.

But, it doesn't seem to stop there... and I'm not really sure what kind of message the universe is trying to send me? A few weeks back I was scanning Facebook pages to see if there were any other people I knew networked among the friends I already had listed (Richmond is so small after all). And there he was. On another friend's page listed as her friend..... April 15, 2001... the same man who had drugged and raped me. It sent a chill through my body. I would pretty much expect no less, seeing as his father is a prominent Richmond businessman. But it sickened me all the same. The memories came flooding back in waves, what little there is to remember. He's the type of guy that people would say "Not him? He gets all kinds of girls!" (hmmm, wonder why!)

So you have these memories that creep in from the past. They are buried, but sometimes they come back to remind you they will never really be gone. Though the first rape over 15 years ago doesn't affect me anymore (I blamed myself for being too kind and concerned; yes, I know it's not my fault...), this one somehow still gets to me every now and again. Maybe it's because I thought I could trust the friends around me to look out for me (the restaurants owners, the bartenders I knew well, the friend I called in a panic when I knew the way I was feeling "wasn't right")? Or maybe it's because I had absolutely no control over the situation? Or perhaps because I couldn't prosecute him because of the drug? There are too many variables to psychoanylize, and trust me, I've been through it before.

But, how do you tell a man that a gesture of kindness he was making had absolutely nothing to do with him but some horrible event that happened years ago? Someone you're newly involved with doesn't want to hear deep stuff like that, regardless of how long you've known or seen each other. From the moment that event occured, everything between the two of us seems to have sped downhill. The irony is, he isn't even a "smoker" (in a smokers definition of the use)!

So, what is it the universe is trying to tell me? Am I suppose to be preparing for something bigger to come along? (I've gotta tell ya, my plate is pretty full already). And, how do you relay this information to someone and stress that you are NOT a victim? Yes, things happen; terrible, horrible, life altering events that shatter the person you were but make the person you become even stronger, in most cases. **SIGH** If there truly is justice out there, why isn't it more apparent and why do we push away those we really don't want to while trying to deal with and figure it all out?