Monday, March 9, 2009

HERE we go again!

Back where the BP use to be... 165/104! I haven't been this high in over 9 months! WHY is it so difficult to find a sense of peace or even mild happiness in life? Life finally plateaus, pieces start to come together.... or so you think. You find what works for you relationship wise, then it's yanked out from under you when you least expect it and all over something that wasn't even true. I guess I'm just not meant to find any kind of happiness with the opposite sex in this lifetime. And after the HUGE smash 3 years ago, I didn't think I had any tears left, but after I left work, they haven't been able to stop (thank you, Dave, for being that lug of a rock after all these years and our criss-crossed path!) .

After close to a year... I developed a fondness for 'him'. It was the first relationship in several years that I actually felt I could trust a guy and was comfortable with the way it worked out. Sure, it wasn't ideal... but it was on my terms and I was - in what I considered - safe. I never had to worry about "falling in love", but it was the friendship and fondness that I really enjoyed.

I know none of this makes sense... but I just have to wonder, when will it be MY turn to have a complete life? Where work and personal life flow smoothly together and I can be eternally blissful in both? I just have to believe it will never happen and throw myself back into my work. One thing is for sure, the fates aren't pulling for me in the "relationship" field. HELL! I had even given up a sex-life (for all intensive purposes) for what I had found! Ya know, sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway. It's those intimate, quite, restful moments I've share with SO few that I enjoy the most. Knowing that in that moment, however brief, that it's just the two of you and all the worries of the world disappear. (hmm.. in all of my "relationships" in this lifetime, is it REALLY only three!?!?!)

Yes, that peace did exist.. and as recently as a few days ago. But, I have to put away those childish dreams and realize that it just isn't likely in this day and age... at least not for me. Huh. Reminds me of the old standard "they're writing songs of love, but not for me....". No. Not a pitty story, because I wasn't looking for 'love' (in all the wrong places - lol). I just wanted PEACE. Sadly, it just didn't and most likely doesn't exhist. I'm getting too old for this game....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Working on the chain gang...

Hey, all. It's been several weeks so I thought I'd share an update. I FINALLY got a contract!!! I start on the 23rd and will be working through mid-August (or until I get a full-time job). AT LEAST I no longer have to rely on unemployment and can pay off some of the eve increasing debts I have due to lack of employment and my roommate situation. I'll be a Mortgage Closer for one of the banks here and it's something. That's me, Jackie of all trades and Master of none :).

I've also been fighting that nasty cough I've had since October. It took a a turn for the worse this past weekend and I wound up with severe bronchitis; tis the season, just like clockwork! I will say, though, that I LOVE my doctor!!!! I've been a patient of his since we moved here over 20 years ago. He's one of a dying breed! He gave me some heavy duty antibiotics and an inhaler and after 3 days I'm already at 80%. The only side affect is that my hands 'tremble' a bit all day long and I'm having a very difficult time painting, but that should pass after all of the meds are gone next week. It's a small thing to tolerate when you can barely breathe, so I'm dealing. (I do wonder if people think I have a drug problem though when I'm in public - lol)

As for my relationships - that's the challenge it's always been. I'm disappointed in some, plesently suprized by one and all together perplexed by another. When you're dealing with your 'opposites', it's always a challenge. You see the human side in some you didn't expect and you see the blindness and lack of care in others. Of course, this is my life and nto EVERYTHING can be perfect all of the time, it's either one or the other. So, I guess right now it's the 'personal life' that gets thrown off course for a while. As long as it's not non-existant, I'm not complaining :).

I've been working on writing down my experience/thoughts from 3 years ago. It was a time in my life where I was the absolute lowest and only thought there was one way out. I wrote the preface the other night, to which I've received no feedback on as of yet (which doesn't surprize me, it was rather intense). I'm only sharing with VERY few right now; those who I litterally trust with my life. I'm really not too sure what I'm going to do with it when I'm finished getting it all out. There I was, wide awake at 3am and it was just running over and over in my head. I want to use the experience to help others minus the religious mumbo-jumbo. I find too many use religion as a crutch when times are bad and failed to look within themselves for their strength. It's not an anti-God piece AT ALL, it's more about spirituality and faith in self. I just want people to know that it's possible.

Well, that's about it. I'll catch everyone up later when new thigns develop :)

Monday, January 26, 2009

I "F-ing" give up!

When will it all end? I need a job, that's a given. BUT... the onslaught of bills is too much! $600 past due in electric (never mind the 'cut off' notices I receive because I HOPE the $100 I send them a month will be enough to keep it on), Sophie's surgery is going to cost $1,600 - $1,800, I just finished my taxes and I OWE the federal government $150 (!!!! - I haven't owed taxes in over 15 years!), I have a roommate that NEEDS-TO-GO!, and the men in my life are less than attentive. I mean, hell..really... with 2-3... even if one is long distance - you would think there would be enough attention to keep a gal happy. NOT!

And the more my roommate is around (Oh, have I mentioned he is now here 24/7 because he got FIRED in November? Who allows that to happen in this economy!), has no life and now his kids are here more than twice a week and his lack of cleanliness and eating every meal upstairs (don't get me started... it's about little "critters" and cleanliness/hygiene) have pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough he wore out his welcome months ago, but now I feel like I'm living in my own HELL! And, try as I might, the few bites I've had to even look at the place have fallen through.

IT'S TOO MUCH!!! I find myself crying more frequently from all of the frustration and have no support or outlet, after all. I wanted to get out more and socialize more this year. I use to be very active in the arts community and at fund raisers, but I haven't attended anything in a couple years because of everything I was going through before. On the down side, those things also take money. I thought everything would get much easier when I finally paid off my bankruptcy almost 2 years ago and felt like I had a fresh start. It was a clean slate for me. But, I think the BIGGEST mistake I made was "paying it forward". I let this schlep move in who pays only $625 a month toward EVERYTHING, but when he moved in - my utilities went up 125%! Now, it feels worse than before. It's going to take me FOREVER to get out of this hole if I don't find a new roommate - AND FAST! I always thought paying it forward was a good thing! It's been a HUGE mistake!

THANK YOU for letting me vent. It's been a very difficult few days....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

DEEP thoughts....

Ok, so this entry may make some uncomfortable, and if you don't want to read about my sex life (or lack there of) then just stop reading now (.... but you know you want to... especially those men still trying to figure other women and me out!). Oddly enough, it's not about "sex", but the emotion of sex (does that make sense?). A lot of you have mentioned how much you admire the fact that I can lay out some of my most inner thoughts, so why let you down :). Plus, other bloggers (or friends) may be thinking the same thing and perhaps they can relate. But, something said to me a while back has just been sticking with me....

I was having an 'intimate' moment with one of my friends; he's one of the ones I've been seeing the longest. Contrary to assumptions, we have yet to "go there". Now, most men just come out and say "I wanna **** you" or "Let's have sex"; you know, nothing too intimate or personal, per se. Just a guy being a guy and keeping their distance. But, in this instance, he said "I want to make love with you" (and for those critical ones who are wondering [mom] no, we didn't-which I'm fine with). I have to admit, I was stunned to hear those words. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time a man said that to me- if ever! I was touched. But, it also got me thinking after the fact.

I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I 'made love'? Sure, being single is great, but there are those pitfalls. Yes, I was engaged not that long ago, but to be honest, under the circumstances, seeing as the man I was with wasn't even "real"-for all intensive purposes, his whole facade was a con - I can't say that any intimate moments we had together had any kind of meaning. Sex, for the most part, is what it is. Two people joining together, creating a moment, having a release of energy, and then that's it. There is the cuddling and kissing, which is always nice. But, that moment when you truly feel drawn to that person and like you are the only two people in the world.... I'm not sure? I know it exists, but does everyone get it in their life... for keeps? Or, is it a rare thing that happens to a selective few?

I know I've come close, only to have it cut short for one reason or another (which I won't detail, but it's not for lack of performance, as one may assume). There is that moment where you think "this could be it" (the one) and ... you just know. MANY years ago, with my first fiancee, I remember what it was like, but even that is a very distant memory at this point. Again, a several years back I felt it, only to have it end abruptly (that one still lingers.. and sadly keeps me single to this day).

Is it sad or pitiful to think that a woman such as myself could go this long in life and not "make love" with someone that she trusted and loved, and have the same in return? I'm not asking for pity, by ANY means but, and I hope I don't sound vain, when there is someone such as myself who is so giving and loving toward others and often too generous for her own good with a good heart, is it abnormal to lack that one thing in their life? You see it all around you, the happy couples, the ones that - despite their problems - truly love each other and can create that cocoon when intimate together. Nuns don't count, sorry.

I'm not reading much into what he said, or even what it meant. I'm sure it was just 'his' way of saying it. Heck, I guess he's more in touch with his 'feminine' side than most men... and don't take that the wrong way. He's MUCH more of a man then most I encounter. What was that song years ago.. Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? He's a man in the best sense; not only is he rugged and handsome, but he's a hard worker, a good man, open minded, smart, funny, has a heart, has a conscience, and is good with his hands (NO, not like that!-lol), and a few other things I won't put here, for identity reasons. :)

But, outside of married couples (you don't count, sorry; if you aren't - not CAN'T - "making love" I can't help ya with that), when was the last time a single person ACTUALLY made love??? I can't help but wonder if I'm in my own little arena on this one....

Saturday, January 10, 2009

True Beauty

I had this posted on Facebook and due to a thread of comments related to it about a status, I wanted to post it here as well.

Anyone who knows me knows that I CAN'T STAND reality TV! Survivor, Fear Factor, The Bachelor/Bachelorette... it's ALL bogus! The more popular they get, the more fake they get. I think the only real Bachelorette candidate was that Zora (Zara...whatever her name was....). The on these shows are HARDLY All-American and are typically quite egotistical and backstabbing. They are basically spin-off's of Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones. Then again, the older I get, the more I see the term of "All-American" change as I watch those around me; the boy and girls next door are things of the past.

So, when I saw a commercial for yet ANOTHER reality show, I first groaned... until I found out the real premise behind it! Sure, ALL of the "beauties" on there were artificial - heck, with enough make up, plastic surgery and hours at the gym because you HAVE the time can make anyone a beauty. BUT.... what these judges were looking for was REAL beauty... what is inside of you. Are you a back stabbing, bitter, jealous, hateful person quick to snap and judge (like SO many I have come across in Richmond and was blind enough at one point to call friends), or, do you let things go and are you a better person because of it? (Mantra: Open Mind, Open Heart)

I actually tuned in to watch the first episode. I was HOPING they would have some "real people" on there; they didn't. I guess it would be too easy. So, you had what many would define "a bombshell" or someone with a "rockin' body", but then proceeded to put things quickly in perspective. In this episode, their faces and bodies were measured by 'statistical numbers'. I don't remember their names, of course (I'm always terrible with names, but I usually get the first initial right! - lol), but the black guy pretty much nailed it when he said you really can't measure beauty with numbers (they also showed a deep, heartfelt side to him... I'm curious now).

In the end, it boiled down to VERY simple things. Did any of the contestants look at the folders of the others details and ratings by the doctor who evaluated them (they were all laying out in plain sight), what kind of things did they say about others publicly and in private, what kind of attitudes they had and, at the very end (a NO brainer), did they offer to open the door for and help a guy with full hands? I could tell right off the bat a couple that would be on the wire, they reminded me so much of people I once knew.

I'm interested to see the final outcome, and may be surprised at my first impressions. As I've gotten older, I've learned that it's not really what is on the outside that matters as much as what is on the inside and your TRUE character. I spent a lot of my youth getting pictures taken, portfolio shots, pageants and the like. It wasn't until a car accident, giving me a few facial scars and breaking my back that I slowly understood what REALLY mattered. Things can be taken away from you in an INSTANT! Over time, you change, your body changes, your life changes and most importantly, your heart changes. I can be comfortable with who I am or let the opinions of others shame me into being ashamed of what I look like, and become a 'coke head' or spend hours at the gym (wouldn't that amount of free time be GREAT!) like many of these opinionated, fake, entities that flit around me. Either your heart grows until it bursts with compassion and empathy for others and become more concerned about your INNER beauty, or, you can "pretend" to be someone you aren't and let your true colors show.... your true 'beauty'.

What is "real" beauty?


I came across this picture on a blog today. It reminded me not only of the show, but of a comment I heard a while back, "the chick with the rockin' body and the ugly face". So many things go through your mind when you listen to what others say or read what they write, either obvious or not so much so. Many would look at this picture and think "My god! Why don't they look like that all the time? They're HOT!" Then others, such as myself, look at it and think "Hell! Good for them, they are comfortable enough to be THEMSELVES!". Sure, I look great when I dress up and put make-up on, but I am just as comfortable being ME without that. I don't care if I go out in sweats and no make up to go shopping or run errands. The only beauty I'm really concerned with now-a-days is my inner beauty.... and the men I "see" (who, by the way, are HOT for those who keep count ;) ) see that in me first and foremost (ok, maybe it's the big boobs :D, but the mental stimulation and my heart keep them coming back, as I'm frequently reminded). Some of them have seen me as what I - and many others - would consider "my worst"; flannel PJ or sweat pants, sweatshirt, hair in a ponytail, no make up and glasses on. Heck, one even stopped by when I was sick! But, it hasn't scared them away yet... that or they're a better con-artist than my last fiancée (am I not right, Sandy? - ha,ha).

So, here's to the REAL beauties out there! The Dove "beauties", the size 10 and over gals, the women with hearts of gold, the woman who goes out in public in her sweats and doesn't care what she looks like, the mom's who work their asses off all day with the kids (sometimes screaming and fighting), people with medical issues that keep them from being a Size 2 or 0 (and what's up with the "0" anyway... as if 2 isn't small enough? When I was smaller than a 2 -YES REALLY - I wore CHILDREN'S clothes because they didn't come any smaller... and I was in high school! CHILDREN"S CLOTHING... THAT should be the statement!), and those who know being the center of attention isn't as important as being true to yourself and those around you.... salute!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Finally 2009!!!

I was recently informed that an "update is woefully overdue" (ya think?).. so this one's for "you"...

2008 is FINALLY over and short of a new friend or two and becoming reacquainted with some old ones, I couldn't be HAPPIER to put it behind me! I have a lot in store so far for 2009 and though I have them all written down, they aren't in any kind of order and I'm not to sure where to start. Of course, most importantly would be to get a full-time, well paying job with benefits! without that, I won't be able to accomplish any of the other things unless I find an Angel Investor (new terminology for a new venture).

My new venture, you ask? Thanks to a very supportive former "boss"/ wonderful new friend, I'm going to actually make a go of a new venture doing something I'm very good at. I have to actually give credit where credit is due. For the most part, I'm way too humble and when it comes to having faith in myself, it tends to be a little low. But, when others have faith in what I can do, it's like a drug. I know I'm good at what I do, but there is that part of me that always doubts it. So, for better or worse, I'll hopefully introducing "Uniquely Yours" this year. (thanks, Kelly!)

What is it, you ask? In the words I put on my business cards "Cards, announcements, invitations and gifts with a personal touch". If you received my holiday card, that's what started it all. From there, it basically took off. In short, it's a "celebratory package" of sorts. In addition to the announcements/invites/cards, you get an option of other things as well: personalized glasses (wine, martini, tumbler, etc), memory boxes, shadow boxes, picture frames and the like. I'm still in the production stage right now - which, in a way, it's good I'm still looking for a job as it's allowing my creative juices to flow - and hope to have a good head start to
get a sample book together.

My little Sophie needs surgery. And though the vet said I could make payments, it wasn't until I went to schedule it that I was hit with the "Yeah, but we need half up front and the balance needs to be paid in 3 months". I'm feeling TERRIBLY guilty now and like a horrible mother having to postpone it until a miracle happens, after what I went through with Jake. I was given several other suggestions, thanks to Craig's List (one even being a "walk-a-thon" to raise the funds; though I'm not sure how receptive people would be), but with everything else I'm dealing with, this making it the third is a bit much. Unfortunately, with her slight heart murmur, everything needs to be done at once (several teeth pulled, growth on gum removed and mammary tumors removed). My vet is quoting a high end of $1,800, which includes testing the tissue. Cold hearted people have suggested putting her down, but if you've met her, you KNOW that's not an option! She is happy and outside of those things, healthy! So, I would have to say that is probably my BIGGEST stress right now.




I'm also "cleaning house". I simply tired and worn out doing all of the work myself and having to constantly repeat myself on simple matters and just blatant disregard. Not only that, I continue to go in debt and have a LARGE and growing "balance owed" on the electric bill that I simply can't carry any more. So, everything is going to change, starting with taking my life back. Keep your ears open and pass any referrals on; I MAY even offer up a finders fee?

I've also resolved to get out more and get back the social life I put on the back burner for the past two years. I virtually stopped going to fund raisers, benefits and social events while trying to deal with my own "issues" and I think the healthy thing is to get back out there and work on networking again. Not only that, I may make some new business contacts and single friends (what I wouldn't GIVE for more single friends)!

And, of course, the big question you ladies and family ALWAYS have... and I wonder why you beat that dead horse (can't you just give it a rest; don't you know I'll shot it from the roof tops IF it ever happens)? Yes, I'm "seeing" someone... actually a couple of men (hmm, one of them almost a year!). NO, I do not hear wedding bells (you would think after the two I was engaged to before you wouldn't even ask that!). I'm content with what I'm involved in at the moment. Sure, it gets lonely, but it's working for the most part. I already lost the love of my life (yes, he does exist) and I'm pretty sure he has no intentions of returning in that aspect, so I'll live with what I can get. It's odd. You think about what you go through in relationships, the love and the loss... and I'd have to say, doing without is MUCH less painful. I can deal with lonely a lot easier than heartbreak; that's just something I never seem to get over. Truth be known, I'm not as tough as nails as I portray (though I do wear a good mask; it's mastery after a lifetime of doing so) and am a BIG softy at heart. And no, I haven't figured out men (and they haven't begun to figure me out), but removing the layers to the mystery sure is fun (lol - yes, there is a pun intended)!

So, all of that said.... I hope you have something exciting planned for 2009! I would LOVE to climb back out of the debt I've been pushed back into in the past year and a half (and here I thought when I came out of bankruptcy that was the start), I'd like to make a trip to England to visit a new friend and catch up with an old one, and I'd love to learn how to move on past some things. Everything comes in it's own time, though; if I've learned anything, the universe has a much different time frame than I do. Salute and here's to the successes and inner strength we all need to make it through another year :).