HERE we go again!

Back where the BP use to be... 165/104! I haven't been this high in over 9 months! WHY is it so difficult to find a sense of peace or even mild happiness in life? Life finally plateaus, pieces start to come together.... or so you think. You find what works for you relationship wise, then it's yanked out from under you when you least expect it and all over something that wasn't even true. I guess I'm just not meant to find any kind of happiness with the opposite sex in this lifetime. And after the HUGE smash 3 years ago, I didn't think I had any tears left, but after I left work, they haven't been able to stop (thank you, Dave, for being that lug of a rock after all these years and our criss-crossed path!) .

After close to a year... I developed a fondness for 'him'. It was the first relationship in several years that I actually felt I could trust a guy and was comfortable with the way it worked out. Sure, it wasn't ideal... but it was on my terms and I was - in what I considered - safe. I never had to worry about "falling in love", but it was the friendship and fondness that I really enjoyed.

I know none of this makes sense... but I just have to wonder, when will it be MY turn to have a complete life? Where work and personal life flow smoothly together and I can be eternally blissful in both? I just have to believe it will never happen and throw myself back into my work. One thing is for sure, the fates aren't pulling for me in the "relationship" field. HELL! I had even given up a sex-life (for all intensive purposes) for what I had found! Ya know, sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway. It's those intimate, quite, restful moments I've share with SO few that I enjoy the most. Knowing that in that moment, however brief, that it's just the two of you and all the worries of the world disappear. (hmm.. in all of my "relationships" in this lifetime, is it REALLY only three!?!?!)

Yes, that peace did exist.. and as recently as a few days ago. But, I have to put away those childish dreams and realize that it just isn't likely in this day and age... at least not for me. Huh. Reminds me of the old standard "they're writing songs of love, but not for me....". No. Not a pitty story, because I wasn't looking for 'love' (in all the wrong places - lol). I just wanted PEACE. Sadly, it just didn't and most likely doesn't exhist. I'm getting too old for this game....