Monday, March 9, 2009

HERE we go again!

Back where the BP use to be... 165/104! I haven't been this high in over 9 months! WHY is it so difficult to find a sense of peace or even mild happiness in life? Life finally plateaus, pieces start to come together.... or so you think. You find what works for you relationship wise, then it's yanked out from under you when you least expect it and all over something that wasn't even true. I guess I'm just not meant to find any kind of happiness with the opposite sex in this lifetime. And after the HUGE smash 3 years ago, I didn't think I had any tears left, but after I left work, they haven't been able to stop (thank you, Dave, for being that lug of a rock after all these years and our criss-crossed path!) .

After close to a year... I developed a fondness for 'him'. It was the first relationship in several years that I actually felt I could trust a guy and was comfortable with the way it worked out. Sure, it wasn't ideal... but it was on my terms and I was - in what I considered - safe. I never had to worry about "falling in love", but it was the friendship and fondness that I really enjoyed.

I know none of this makes sense... but I just have to wonder, when will it be MY turn to have a complete life? Where work and personal life flow smoothly together and I can be eternally blissful in both? I just have to believe it will never happen and throw myself back into my work. One thing is for sure, the fates aren't pulling for me in the "relationship" field. HELL! I had even given up a sex-life (for all intensive purposes) for what I had found! Ya know, sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway. It's those intimate, quite, restful moments I've share with SO few that I enjoy the most. Knowing that in that moment, however brief, that it's just the two of you and all the worries of the world disappear. (hmm.. in all of my "relationships" in this lifetime, is it REALLY only three!?!?!)

Yes, that peace did exist.. and as recently as a few days ago. But, I have to put away those childish dreams and realize that it just isn't likely in this day and age... at least not for me. Huh. Reminds me of the old standard "they're writing songs of love, but not for me....". No. Not a pitty story, because I wasn't looking for 'love' (in all the wrong places - lol). I just wanted PEACE. Sadly, it just didn't and most likely doesn't exhist. I'm getting too old for this game....

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Working on the chain gang...

Hey, all. It's been several weeks so I thought I'd share an update. I FINALLY got a contract!!! I start on the 23rd and will be working through mid-August (or until I get a full-time job). AT LEAST I no longer have to rely on unemployment and can pay off some of the eve increasing debts I have due to lack of employment and my roommate situation. I'll be a Mortgage Closer for one of the banks here and it's something. That's me, Jackie of all trades and Master of none :).

I've also been fighting that nasty cough I've had since October. It took a a turn for the worse this past weekend and I wound up with severe bronchitis; tis the season, just like clockwork! I will say, though, that I LOVE my doctor!!!! I've been a patient of his since we moved here over 20 years ago. He's one of a dying breed! He gave me some heavy duty antibiotics and an inhaler and after 3 days I'm already at 80%. The only side affect is that my hands 'tremble' a bit all day long and I'm having a very difficult time painting, but that should pass after all of the meds are gone next week. It's a small thing to tolerate when you can barely breathe, so I'm dealing. (I do wonder if people think I have a drug problem though when I'm in public - lol)

As for my relationships - that's the challenge it's always been. I'm disappointed in some, plesently suprized by one and all together perplexed by another. When you're dealing with your 'opposites', it's always a challenge. You see the human side in some you didn't expect and you see the blindness and lack of care in others. Of course, this is my life and nto EVERYTHING can be perfect all of the time, it's either one or the other. So, I guess right now it's the 'personal life' that gets thrown off course for a while. As long as it's not non-existant, I'm not complaining :).

I've been working on writing down my experience/thoughts from 3 years ago. It was a time in my life where I was the absolute lowest and only thought there was one way out. I wrote the preface the other night, to which I've received no feedback on as of yet (which doesn't surprize me, it was rather intense). I'm only sharing with VERY few right now; those who I litterally trust with my life. I'm really not too sure what I'm going to do with it when I'm finished getting it all out. There I was, wide awake at 3am and it was just running over and over in my head. I want to use the experience to help others minus the religious mumbo-jumbo. I find too many use religion as a crutch when times are bad and failed to look within themselves for their strength. It's not an anti-God piece AT ALL, it's more about spirituality and faith in self. I just want people to know that it's possible.

Well, that's about it. I'll catch everyone up later when new thigns develop :)

Monday, January 26, 2009

I "F-ing" give up!

When will it all end? I need a job, that's a given. BUT... the onslaught of bills is too much! $600 past due in electric (never mind the 'cut off' notices I receive because I HOPE the $100 I send them a month will be enough to keep it on), Sophie's surgery is going to cost $1,600 - $1,800, I just finished my taxes and I OWE the federal government $150 (!!!! - I haven't owed taxes in over 15 years!), I have a roommate that NEEDS-TO-GO!, and the men in my life are less than attentive. I mean, hell..really... with 2-3... even if one is long distance - you would think there would be enough attention to keep a gal happy. NOT!

And the more my roommate is around (Oh, have I mentioned he is now here 24/7 because he got FIRED in November? Who allows that to happen in this economy!), has no life and now his kids are here more than twice a week and his lack of cleanliness and eating every meal upstairs (don't get me started... it's about little "critters" and cleanliness/hygiene) have pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough he wore out his welcome months ago, but now I feel like I'm living in my own HELL! And, try as I might, the few bites I've had to even look at the place have fallen through.

IT'S TOO MUCH!!! I find myself crying more frequently from all of the frustration and have no support or outlet, after all. I wanted to get out more and socialize more this year. I use to be very active in the arts community and at fund raisers, but I haven't attended anything in a couple years because of everything I was going through before. On the down side, those things also take money. I thought everything would get much easier when I finally paid off my bankruptcy almost 2 years ago and felt like I had a fresh start. It was a clean slate for me. But, I think the BIGGEST mistake I made was "paying it forward". I let this schlep move in who pays only $625 a month toward EVERYTHING, but when he moved in - my utilities went up 125%! Now, it feels worse than before. It's going to take me FOREVER to get out of this hole if I don't find a new roommate - AND FAST! I always thought paying it forward was a good thing! It's been a HUGE mistake!

THANK YOU for letting me vent. It's been a very difficult few days....