Hey, all. It's been several weeks so I thought I'd share an update. I FINALLY got a contract!!! I start on the 23rd and will be working through mid-August (or until I get a full-time job). AT LEAST I no longer have to rely on unemployment and can pay off some of the eve increasing debts I have due to lack of employment and my roommate situation. I'll be a Mortgage Closer for one of the banks here and it's something. That's me, Jackie of all trades and Master of none :).
I've also been fighting that nasty cough I've had since October. It took a a turn for the worse this past weekend and I wound up with severe bronchitis; tis the season, just like clockwork! I will say, though, that I LOVE my doctor!!!! I've been a patient of his since we moved here over 20 years ago. He's one of a dying breed! He gave me some heavy duty antibiotics and an inhaler and after 3 days I'm already at 80%. The only side affect is that my hands 'tremble' a bit all day long and I'm having a very difficult time painting, but that should pass after all of the meds are gone next week. It's a small thing to tolerate when you can barely breathe, so I'm dealing. (I do wonder if people think I have a drug problem though when I'm in public - lol)
As for my relationships - that's the challenge it's always been. I'm disappointed in some, plesently suprized by one and all together perplexed by another. When you're dealing with your 'opposites', it's always a challenge. You see the human side in some you didn't expect and you see the blindness and lack of care in others. Of course, this is my life and nto EVERYTHING can be perfect all of the time, it's either one or the other. So, I guess right now it's the 'personal life' that gets thrown off course for a while. As long as it's not non-existant, I'm not complaining :).
I've been working on writing down my experience/thoughts from 3 years ago. It was a time in my life where I was the absolute lowest and only thought there was one way out. I wrote the preface the other night, to which I've received no feedback on as of yet (which doesn't surprize me, it was rather intense). I'm only sharing with VERY few right now; those who I litterally trust with my life. I'm really not too sure what I'm going to do with it when I'm finished getting it all out. There I was, wide awake at 3am and it was just running over and over in my head. I want to use the experience to help others minus the religious mumbo-jumbo. I find too many use religion as a crutch when times are bad and failed to look within themselves for their strength. It's not an anti-God piece AT ALL, it's more about spirituality and faith in self. I just want people to know that it's possible.
Well, that's about it. I'll catch everyone up later when new thigns develop :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
I "F-ing" give up!
When will it all end? I need a job, that's a given. BUT... the onslaught of bills is too much! $600 past due in electric (never mind the 'cut off' notices I receive because I HOPE the $100 I send them a month will be enough to keep it on), Sophie's surgery is going to cost $1,600 - $1,800, I just finished my taxes and I OWE the federal government $150 (!!!! - I haven't owed taxes in over 15 years!), I have a roommate that NEEDS-TO-GO!, and the men in my life are less than attentive. I mean, hell..really... with 2-3... even if one is long distance - you would think there would be enough attention to keep a gal happy. NOT!
And the more my roommate is around (Oh, have I mentioned he is now here 24/7 because he got FIRED in November? Who allows that to happen in this economy!), has no life and now his kids are here more than twice a week and his lack of cleanliness and eating every meal upstairs (don't get me started... it's about little "critters" and cleanliness/hygiene) have pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough he wore out his welcome months ago, but now I feel like I'm living in my own HELL! And, try as I might, the few bites I've had to even look at the place have fallen through.
IT'S TOO MUCH!!! I find myself crying more frequently from all of the frustration and have no support or outlet, after all. I wanted to get out more and socialize more this year. I use to be very active in the arts community and at fund raisers, but I haven't attended anything in a couple years because of everything I was going through before. On the down side, those things also take money. I thought everything would get much easier when I finally paid off my bankruptcy almost 2 years ago and felt like I had a fresh start. It was a clean slate for me. But, I think the BIGGEST mistake I made was "paying it forward". I let this schlep move in who pays only $625 a month toward EVERYTHING, but when he moved in - my utilities went up 125%! Now, it feels worse than before. It's going to take me FOREVER to get out of this hole if I don't find a new roommate - AND FAST! I always thought paying it forward was a good thing! It's been a HUGE mistake!
THANK YOU for letting me vent. It's been a very difficult few days....
And the more my roommate is around (Oh, have I mentioned he is now here 24/7 because he got FIRED in November? Who allows that to happen in this economy!), has no life and now his kids are here more than twice a week and his lack of cleanliness and eating every meal upstairs (don't get me started... it's about little "critters" and cleanliness/hygiene) have pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough he wore out his welcome months ago, but now I feel like I'm living in my own HELL! And, try as I might, the few bites I've had to even look at the place have fallen through.
IT'S TOO MUCH!!! I find myself crying more frequently from all of the frustration and have no support or outlet, after all. I wanted to get out more and socialize more this year. I use to be very active in the arts community and at fund raisers, but I haven't attended anything in a couple years because of everything I was going through before. On the down side, those things also take money. I thought everything would get much easier when I finally paid off my bankruptcy almost 2 years ago and felt like I had a fresh start. It was a clean slate for me. But, I think the BIGGEST mistake I made was "paying it forward". I let this schlep move in who pays only $625 a month toward EVERYTHING, but when he moved in - my utilities went up 125%! Now, it feels worse than before. It's going to take me FOREVER to get out of this hole if I don't find a new roommate - AND FAST! I always thought paying it forward was a good thing! It's been a HUGE mistake!
THANK YOU for letting me vent. It's been a very difficult few days....
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
DEEP thoughts....
Ok, so this entry may make some uncomfortable, and if you don't want to read about my sex life (or lack there of) then just stop reading now (.... but you know you want to... especially those men still trying to figure other women and me out!). Oddly enough, it's not about "sex", but the emotion of sex (does that make sense?). A lot of you have mentioned how much you admire the fact that I can lay out some of my most inner thoughts, so why let you down :). Plus, other bloggers (or friends) may be thinking the same thing and perhaps they can relate. But, something said to me a while back has just been sticking with me....
I was having an 'intimate' moment with one of my friends; he's one of the ones I've been seeing the longest. Contrary to assumptions, we have yet to "go there". Now, most men just come out and say "I wanna **** you" or "Let's have sex"; you know, nothing too intimate or personal, per se. Just a guy being a guy and keeping their distance. But, in this instance, he said "I want to make love with you" (and for those critical ones who are wondering [mom] no, we didn't-which I'm fine with). I have to admit, I was stunned to hear those words. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time a man said that to me- if ever! I was touched. But, it also got me thinking after the fact.
I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I 'made love'? Sure, being single is great, but there are those pitfalls. Yes, I was engaged not that long ago, but to be honest, under the circumstances, seeing as the man I was with wasn't even "real"-for all intensive purposes, his whole facade was a con - I can't say that any intimate moments we had together had any kind of meaning. Sex, for the most part, is what it is. Two people joining together, creating a moment, having a release of energy, and then that's it. There is the cuddling and kissing, which is always nice. But, that moment when you truly feel drawn to that person and like you are the only two people in the world.... I'm not sure? I know it exists, but does everyone get it in their life... for keeps? Or, is it a rare thing that happens to a selective few?
I know I've come close, only to have it cut short for one reason or another (which I won't detail, but it's not for lack of performance, as one may assume). There is that moment where you think "this could be it" (the one) and ... you just know. MANY years ago, with my first fiancee, I remember what it was like, but even that is a very distant memory at this point. Again, a several years back I felt it, only to have it end abruptly (that one still lingers.. and sadly keeps me single to this day).
Is it sad or pitiful to think that a woman such as myself could go this long in life and not "make love" with someone that she trusted and loved, and have the same in return? I'm not asking for pity, by ANY means but, and I hope I don't sound vain, when there is someone such as myself who is so giving and loving toward others and often too generous for her own good with a good heart, is it abnormal to lack that one thing in their life? You see it all around you, the happy couples, the ones that - despite their problems - truly love each other and can create that cocoon when intimate together. Nuns don't count, sorry.
I'm not reading much into what he said, or even what it meant. I'm sure it was just 'his' way of saying it. Heck, I guess he's more in touch with his 'feminine' side than most men... and don't take that the wrong way. He's MUCH more of a man then most I encounter. What was that song years ago.. Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? He's a man in the best sense; not only is he rugged and handsome, but he's a hard worker, a good man, open minded, smart, funny, has a heart, has a conscience, and is good with his hands (NO, not like that!-lol), and a few other things I won't put here, for identity reasons. :)
But, outside of married couples (you don't count, sorry; if you aren't - not CAN'T - "making love" I can't help ya with that), when was the last time a single person ACTUALLY made love??? I can't help but wonder if I'm in my own little arena on this one....
I was having an 'intimate' moment with one of my friends; he's one of the ones I've been seeing the longest. Contrary to assumptions, we have yet to "go there". Now, most men just come out and say "I wanna **** you" or "Let's have sex"; you know, nothing too intimate or personal, per se. Just a guy being a guy and keeping their distance. But, in this instance, he said "I want to make love with you" (and for those critical ones who are wondering [mom] no, we didn't-which I'm fine with). I have to admit, I was stunned to hear those words. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time a man said that to me- if ever! I was touched. But, it also got me thinking after the fact.
I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I 'made love'? Sure, being single is great, but there are those pitfalls. Yes, I was engaged not that long ago, but to be honest, under the circumstances, seeing as the man I was with wasn't even "real"-for all intensive purposes, his whole facade was a con - I can't say that any intimate moments we had together had any kind of meaning. Sex, for the most part, is what it is. Two people joining together, creating a moment, having a release of energy, and then that's it. There is the cuddling and kissing, which is always nice. But, that moment when you truly feel drawn to that person and like you are the only two people in the world.... I'm not sure? I know it exists, but does everyone get it in their life... for keeps? Or, is it a rare thing that happens to a selective few?
I know I've come close, only to have it cut short for one reason or another (which I won't detail, but it's not for lack of performance, as one may assume). There is that moment where you think "this could be it" (the one) and ... you just know. MANY years ago, with my first fiancee, I remember what it was like, but even that is a very distant memory at this point. Again, a several years back I felt it, only to have it end abruptly (that one still lingers.. and sadly keeps me single to this day).
Is it sad or pitiful to think that a woman such as myself could go this long in life and not "make love" with someone that she trusted and loved, and have the same in return? I'm not asking for pity, by ANY means but, and I hope I don't sound vain, when there is someone such as myself who is so giving and loving toward others and often too generous for her own good with a good heart, is it abnormal to lack that one thing in their life? You see it all around you, the happy couples, the ones that - despite their problems - truly love each other and can create that cocoon when intimate together. Nuns don't count, sorry.
I'm not reading much into what he said, or even what it meant. I'm sure it was just 'his' way of saying it. Heck, I guess he's more in touch with his 'feminine' side than most men... and don't take that the wrong way. He's MUCH more of a man then most I encounter. What was that song years ago.. Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? He's a man in the best sense; not only is he rugged and handsome, but he's a hard worker, a good man, open minded, smart, funny, has a heart, has a conscience, and is good with his hands (NO, not like that!-lol), and a few other things I won't put here, for identity reasons. :)
But, outside of married couples (you don't count, sorry; if you aren't - not CAN'T - "making love" I can't help ya with that), when was the last time a single person ACTUALLY made love??? I can't help but wonder if I'm in my own little arena on this one....
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