My Time to Shine

HERE we go again!

2009-03-09T23:17:00.002-04:00

Back where the BP use to be... 165/104! I haven't been this high in over 9 months! WHY is it so difficult to find a sense of peace or even mild happiness in life? Life finally plateaus, pieces start to come together.... or so you think. You find what works for you relationship wise, then it's yanked out from under you when you least expect it and all over something that wasn't even true. I guess I'm just not meant to find any kind of happiness with the opposite sex in this lifetime. And after the HUGE smash 3 years ago, I didn't think I had any tears left, but after I left work, they haven't been able to stop (thank you, Dave, for being that lug of a rock after all these years and our criss-crossed path!) .

After close to a year... I developed a fondness for 'him'. It was the first relationship in several years that I actually felt I could trust a guy and was comfortable with the way it worked out. Sure, it wasn't ideal... but it was on my terms and I was - in what I considered - safe. I never had to worry about "falling in love", but it was the friendship and fondness that I really enjoyed.

I know none of this makes sense... but I just have to wonder, when will it be MY turn to have a complete life? Where work and personal life flow smoothly together and I can be eternally blissful in both? I just have to believe it will never happen and throw myself back into my work. One thing is for sure, the fates aren't pulling for me in the "relationship" field. HELL! I had even given up a sex-life (for all intensive purposes) for what I had found! Ya know, sex isn't all it's cracked up to be, anyway. It's those intimate, quite, restful moments I've share with SO few that I enjoy the most. Knowing that in that moment, however brief, that it's just the two of you and all the worries of the world disappear. (hmm.. in all of my "relationships" in this lifetime, is it REALLY only three!?!?!)

Yes, that peace did exist.. and as recently as a few days ago. But, I have to put away those childish dreams and realize that it just isn't likely in this day and age... at least not for me. Huh. Reminds me of the old standard "they're writing songs of love, but not for me....". No. Not a pitty story, because I wasn't looking for 'love' (in all the wrong places - lol). I just wanted PEACE. Sadly, it just didn't and most likely doesn't exhist. I'm getting too old for this game....

Working on the chain gang...

2009-02-12T20:49:00.002-05:00

Hey, all. It's been several weeks so I thought I'd share an update. I FINALLY got a contract!!! I start on the 23rd and will be working through mid-August (or until I get a full-time job). AT LEAST I no longer have to rely on unemployment and can pay off some of the eve increasing debts I have due to lack of employment and my roommate situation. I'll be a Mortgage Closer for one of the banks here and it's something. That's me, Jackie of all trades and Master of none :).

I've also been fighting that nasty cough I've had since October. It took a a turn for the worse this past weekend and I wound up with severe bronchitis; tis the season, just like clockwork! I will say, though, that I LOVE my doctor!!!! I've been a patient of his since we moved here over 20 years ago. He's one of a dying breed! He gave me some heavy duty antibiotics and an inhaler and after 3 days I'm already at 80%. The only side affect is that my hands 'tremble' a bit all day long and I'm having a very difficult time painting, but that should pass after all of the meds are gone next week. It's a small thing to tolerate when you can barely breathe, so I'm dealing. (I do wonder if people think I have a drug problem though when I'm in public - lol)

As for my relationships - that's the challenge it's always been. I'm disappointed in some, plesently suprized by one and all together perplexed by another. When you're dealing with your 'opposites', it's always a challenge. You see the human side in some you didn't expect and you see the blindness and lack of care in others. Of course, this is my life and nto EVERYTHING can be perfect all of the time, it's either one or the other. So, I guess right now it's the 'personal life' that gets thrown off course for a while. As long as it's not non-existant, I'm not complaining :).

I've been working on writing down my experience/thoughts from 3 years ago. It was a time in my life where I was the absolute lowest and only thought there was one way out. I wrote the preface the other night, to which I've received no feedback on as of yet (which doesn't surprize me, it was rather intense). I'm only sharing with VERY few right now; those who I litterally trust with my life. I'm really not too sure what I'm going to do with it when I'm finished getting it all out. There I was, wide awake at 3am and it was just running over and over in my head. I want to use the experience to help others minus the religious mumbo-jumbo. I find too many use religion as a crutch when times are bad and failed to look within themselves for their strength. It's not an anti-God piece AT ALL, it's more about spirituality and faith in self. I just want people to know that it's possible.

Well, that's about it. I'll catch everyone up later when new thigns develop :)

I "F-ing" give up!

2009-01-26T17:18:00.004-05:00

When will it all end? I need a job, that's a given. BUT... the onslaught of bills is too much! $600 past due in electric (never mind the 'cut off' notices I receive because I HOPE the $100 I send them a month will be enough to keep it on), Sophie's surgery is going to cost $1,600 - $1,800, I just finished my taxes and I OWE the federal government $150 (!!!! - I haven't owed taxes in over 15 years!), I have a roommate that NEEDS-TO-GO!, and the men in my life are less than attentive. I mean, hell..really... with 2-3... even if one is long distance - you would think there would be enough attention to keep a gal happy. NOT!

And the more my roommate is around (Oh, have I mentioned he is now here 24/7 because he got FIRED in November? Who allows that to happen in this economy!), has no life and now his kids are here more than twice a week and his lack of cleanliness and eating every meal upstairs (don't get me started... it's about little "critters" and cleanliness/hygiene) have pushed me over the edge. It's bad enough he wore out his welcome months ago, but now I feel like I'm living in my own HELL! And, try as I might, the few bites I've had to even look at the place have fallen through.

IT'S TOO MUCH!!! I find myself crying more frequently from all of the frustration and have no support or outlet, after all. I wanted to get out more and socialize more this year. I use to be very active in the arts community and at fund raisers, but I haven't attended anything in a couple years because of everything I was going through before. On the down side, those things also take money. I thought everything would get much easier when I finally paid off my bankruptcy almost 2 years ago and felt like I had a fresh start. It was a clean slate for me. But, I think the BIGGEST mistake I made was "paying it forward". I let this schlep move in who pays only $625 a month toward EVERYTHING, but when he moved in - my utilities went up 125%! Now, it feels worse than before. It's going to take me FOREVER to get out of this hole if I don't find a new roommate - AND FAST! I always thought paying it forward was a good thing! It's been a HUGE mistake!

THANK YOU for letting me vent. It's been a very difficult few days....

DEEP thoughts....

2009-01-14T14:52:00.004-05:00

Ok, so this entry may make some uncomfortable, and if you don't want to read about my sex life (or lack there of) then just stop reading now (.... but you know you want to... especially those men still trying to figure other women and me out!). Oddly enough, it's not about "sex", but the emotion of sex (does that make sense?). A lot of you have mentioned how much you admire the fact that I can lay out some of my most inner thoughts, so why let you down :). Plus, other bloggers (or friends) may be thinking the same thing and perhaps they can relate. But, something said to me a while back has just been sticking with me....

I was having an 'intimate' moment with one of my friends; he's one of the ones I've been seeing the longest. Contrary to assumptions, we have yet to "go there". Now, most men just come out and say "I wanna **** you" or "Let's have sex"; you know, nothing too intimate or personal, per se. Just a guy being a guy and keeping their distance. But, in this instance, he said "I want to make love with you" (and for those critical ones who are wondering [mom] no, we didn't-which I'm fine with). I have to admit, I was stunned to hear those words. I honestly couldn't tell you the last time a man said that to me- if ever! I was touched. But, it also got me thinking after the fact.

I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I 'made love'? Sure, being single is great, but there are those pitfalls. Yes, I was engaged not that long ago, but to be honest, under the circumstances, seeing as the man I was with wasn't even "real"-for all intensive purposes, his whole facade was a con - I can't say that any intimate moments we had together had any kind of meaning. Sex, for the most part, is what it is. Two people joining together, creating a moment, having a release of energy, and then that's it. There is the cuddling and kissing, which is always nice. But, that moment when you truly feel drawn to that person and like you are the only two people in the world.... I'm not sure? I know it exists, but does everyone get it in their life... for keeps? Or, is it a rare thing that happens to a selective few?

I know I've come close, only to have it cut short for one reason or another (which I won't detail, but it's not for lack of performance, as one may assume). There is that moment where you think "this could be it" (the one) and ... you just know. MANY years ago, with my first fiancee, I remember what it was like, but even that is a very distant memory at this point. Again, a several years back I felt it, only to have it end abruptly (that one still lingers.. and sadly keeps me single to this day).

Is it sad or pitiful to think that a woman such as myself could go this long in life and not "make love" with someone that she trusted and loved, and have the same in return? I'm not asking for pity, by ANY means but, and I hope I don't sound vain, when there is someone such as myself who is so giving and loving toward others and often too generous for her own good with a good heart, is it abnormal to lack that one thing in their life? You see it all around you, the happy couples, the ones that - despite their problems - truly love each other and can create that cocoon when intimate together. Nuns don't count, sorry.

I'm not reading much into what he said, or even what it meant. I'm sure it was just 'his' way of saying it. Heck, I guess he's more in touch with his 'feminine' side than most men... and don't take that the wrong way. He's MUCH more of a man then most I encounter. What was that song years ago.. Where Have All the Cowboys Gone? He's a man in the best sense; not only is he rugged and handsome, but he's a hard worker, a good man, open minded, smart, funny, has a heart, has a conscience, and is good with his hands (NO, not like that!-lol), and a few other things I won't put here, for identity reasons. :)

But, outside of married couples (you don't count, sorry; if you aren't - not CAN'T - "making love" I can't help ya with that), when was the last time a single person ACTUALLY made love??? I can't help but wonder if I'm in my own little arena on this one....

True Beauty

2009-01-10T13:21:00.003-05:00

I had this posted on Facebook and due to a thread of comments related to it about a status, I wanted to post it here as well.

Anyone who knows me knows that I CAN'T STAND reality TV! Survivor, Fear Factor, The Bachelor/Bachelorette... it's ALL bogus! The more popular they get, the more fake they get. I think the only real Bachelorette candidate was that Zora (Zara...whatever her name was....). The on these shows are HARDLY All-American and are typically quite egotistical and backstabbing. They are basically spin-off's of Jerry Springer and Jenny Jones. Then again, the older I get, the more I see the term of "All-American" change as I watch those around me; the boy and girls next door are things of the past.

So, when I saw a commercial for yet ANOTHER reality show, I first groaned... until I found out the real premise behind it! Sure, ALL of the "beauties" on there were artificial - heck, with enough make up, plastic surgery and hours at the gym because you HAVE the time can make anyone a beauty. BUT.... what these judges were looking for was REAL beauty... what is inside of you. Are you a back stabbing, bitter, jealous, hateful person quick to snap and judge (like SO many I have come across in Richmond and was blind enough at one point to call friends), or, do you let things go and are you a better person because of it? (Mantra: Open Mind, Open Heart)

I actually tuned in to watch the first episode. I was HOPING they would have some "real people" on there; they didn't. I guess it would be too easy. So, you had what many would define "a bombshell" or someone with a "rockin' body", but then proceeded to put things quickly in perspective. In this episode, their faces and bodies were measured by 'statistical numbers'. I don't remember their names, of course (I'm always terrible with names, but I usually get the first initial right! - lol), but the black guy pretty much nailed it when he said you really can't measure beauty with numbers (they also showed a deep, heartfelt side to him... I'm curious now).

In the end, it boiled down to VERY simple things. Did any of the contestants look at the folders of the others details and ratings by the doctor who evaluated them (they were all laying out in plain sight), what kind of things did they say about others publicly and in private, what kind of attitudes they had and, at the very end (a NO brainer), did they offer to open the door for and help a guy with full hands? I could tell right off the bat a couple that would be on the wire, they reminded me so much of people I once knew.

I'm interested to see the final outcome, and may be surprised at my first impressions. As I've gotten older, I've learned that it's not really what is on the outside that matters as much as what is on the inside and your TRUE character. I spent a lot of my youth getting pictures taken, portfolio shots, pageants and the like. It wasn't until a car accident, giving me a few facial scars and breaking my back that I slowly understood what REALLY mattered. Things can be taken away from you in an INSTANT! Over time, you change, your body changes, your life changes and most importantly, your heart changes. I can be comfortable with who I am or let the opinions of others shame me into being ashamed of what I look like, and become a 'coke head' or spend hours at the gym (wouldn't that amount of free time be GREAT!) like many of these opinionated, fake, entities that flit around me. Either your heart grows until it bursts with compassion and empathy for others and become more concerned about your INNER beauty, or, you can "pretend" to be someone you aren't and let your true colors show.... your true 'beauty'.

What is "real" beauty?

I came across this picture on a blog today. It reminded me not only of the show, but of a comment I heard a while back, "the chick with the rockin' body and the ugly face". So many things go through your mind when you listen to what others say or read what they write, either obvious or not so much so. Many would look at this picture and think "My god! Why don't they look like that all the time? They're HOT!" Then others, such as myself, look at it and think "Hell! Good for them, they are comfortable enough to be THEMSELVES!". Sure, I look great when I dress up and put make-up on, but I am just as comfortable being ME without that. I don't care if I go out in sweats and no make up to go shopping or run errands. The only beauty I'm really concerned with now-a-days is my inner beauty.... and the men I "see" (who, by the way, are HOT for those who keep count ;) ) see that in me first and foremost (ok, maybe it's the big boobs :D, but the mental stimulation and my heart keep them coming back, as I'm frequently reminded). Some of them have seen me as what I - and many others - would consider "my worst"; flannel PJ or sweat pants, sweatshirt, hair in a ponytail, no make up and glasses on. Heck, one even stopped by when I was sick! But, it hasn't scared them away yet... that or they're a better con-artist than my last fiancée (am I not right, Sandy? - ha,ha).

So, here's to the REAL beauties out there! The Dove "beauties", the size 10 and over gals, the women with hearts of gold, the woman who goes out in public in her sweats and doesn't care what she looks like, the mom's who work their asses off all day with the kids (sometimes screaming and fighting), people with medical issues that keep them from being a Size 2 or 0 (and what's up with the "0" anyway... as if 2 isn't small enough? When I was smaller than a 2 -YES REALLY - I wore CHILDREN'S clothes because they didn't come any smaller... and I was in high school! CHILDREN"S CLOTHING... THAT should be the statement!), and those who know being the center of attention isn't as important as being true to yourself and those around you.... salute!

Finally 2009!!!

2009-01-09T15:18:00.006-05:00

I was recently informed that an "update is woefully overdue" (ya think?).. so this one's for "you"...

2008 is FINALLY over and short of a new friend or two and becoming reacquainted with some old ones, I couldn't be HAPPIER to put it behind me! I have a lot in store so far for 2009 and though I have them all written down, they aren't in any kind of order and I'm not to sure where to start. Of course, most importantly would be to get a full-time, well paying job with benefits! without that, I won't be able to accomplish any of the other things unless I find an Angel Investor (new terminology for a new venture).

My new venture, you ask? Thanks to a very supportive former "boss"/ wonderful new friend, I'm going to actually make a go of a new venture doing something I'm very good at. I have to actually give credit where credit is due. For the most part, I'm way too humble and when it comes to having faith in myself, it tends to be a little low. But, when others have faith in what I can do, it's like a drug. I know I'm good at what I do, but there is that part of me that always doubts it. So, for better or worse, I'll hopefully introducing "Uniquely Yours" this year. (thanks, Kelly!)

What is it, you ask? In the words I put on my business cards "Cards, announcements, invitations and gifts with a personal touch". If you received my holiday card, that's what started it all. From there, it basically took off. In short, it's a "celebratory package" of sorts. In addition to the announcements/invites/cards, you get an option of other things as well: personalized glasses (wine, martini, tumbler, etc), memory boxes, shadow boxes, picture frames and the like. I'm still in the production stage right now - which, in a way, it's good I'm still looking for a job as it's allowing my creative juices to flow - and hope to have a good head start to
get a sample book together.

My little Sophie needs surgery. And though the vet said I could make payments, it wasn't until I went to schedule it that I was hit with the "Yeah, but we need half up front and the balance needs to be paid in 3 months". I'm feeling TERRIBLY guilty now and like a horrible mother having to postpone it until a miracle happens, after what I went through with Jake. I was given several other suggestions, thanks to Craig's List (one even being a "walk-a-thon" to raise the funds; though I'm not sure how receptive people would be), but with everything else I'm dealing with, this making it the third is a bit much. Unfortunately, with her slight heart murmur, everything needs to be done at once (several teeth pulled, growth on gum removed and mammary tumors removed). My vet is quoting a high end of $1,800, which includes testing the tissue. Cold hearted people have suggested putting her down, but if you've met her, you KNOW that's not an option! She is happy and outside of those things, healthy! So, I would have to say that is probably my BIGGEST stress right now.

I'm also "cleaning house". I simply tired and worn out doing all of the work myself and having to constantly repeat myself on simple matters and just blatant disregard. Not only that, I continue to go in debt and have a LARGE and growing "balance owed" on the electric bill that I simply can't carry any more. So, everything is going to change, starting with taking my life back. Keep your ears open and pass any referrals on; I MAY even offer up a finders fee?

I've also resolved to get out more and get back the social life I put on the back burner for the past two years. I virtually stopped going to fund raisers, benefits and social events while trying to deal with my own "issues" and I think the healthy thing is to get back out there and work on networking again. Not only that, I may make some new business contacts and single friends (what I wouldn't GIVE for more single friends)!

And, of course, the big question you ladies and family ALWAYS have... and I wonder why you beat that dead horse (can't you just give it a rest; don't you know I'll shot it from the roof tops IF it ever happens)? Yes, I'm "seeing" someone... actually a couple of men (hmm, one of them almost a year!). NO, I do not hear wedding bells (you would think after the two I was engaged to before you wouldn't even ask that!). I'm content with what I'm involved in at the moment. Sure, it gets lonely, but it's working for the most part. I already lost the love of my life (yes, he does exist) and I'm pretty sure he has no intentions of returning in that aspect, so I'll live with what I can get. It's odd. You think about what you go through in relationships, the love and the loss... and I'd have to say, doing without is MUCH less painful. I can deal with lonely a lot easier than heartbreak; that's just something I never seem to get over. Truth be known, I'm not as tough as nails as I portray (though I do wear a good mask; it's mastery after a lifetime of doing so) and am a BIG softy at heart. And no, I haven't figured out men (and they haven't begun to figure me out), but removing the layers to the mystery sure is fun (lol - yes, there is a pun intended)!

So, all of that said.... I hope you have something exciting planned for 2009! I would LOVE to climb back out of the debt I've been pushed back into in the past year and a half (and here I thought when I came out of bankruptcy that was the start), I'd like to make a trip to England to visit a new friend and catch up with an old one, and I'd love to learn how to move on past some things. Everything comes in it's own time, though; if I've learned anything, the universe has a much different time frame than I do. Salute and here's to the successes and inner strength we all need to make it through another year :).

It's been a while....

2008-11-25T13:10:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile, hasn't it? What can I say, my life has kept me on the roller coaster that IS life. I've been employed, unemployed, employed and unemployed again. At this point, I just take everything in stride and don't worry. I know I would normally stress more than this - especially at THIS time of the year, but what can you do? The universe has it's own plan and we're just along for the ride. So, yes, I'm unemployed again, but looking for work and doing as much babysitting as I can fit in and odd jobs here and there until something clicks. It's a really tough job market in Richmond right now since Wachovia relocated in the summer- leaving many unemployed, Circuit City layed off 1000's and, other businesses are closing their doors at least once a week. What I wouldn't give to be a stay at home mom (ha! me married!?!) or to be a kept woman right about now (ooo, that's promising... that would mean NO ROOMMATE :)! ).

Let's see... that pretty much covered the "professional" life... and the personal life? I don't kiss and tell (lol). Let's just say I'm having the time of my life with the guys in it and only wish I could spend more time with them (and for all my "moms and big sisters" out there, no I'm not with all of them ;)....). I may be selling myself short with them, but they each have their individual qualities that I enjoy and are all friends, first and foremost (but, I hate to admit- I do have a favorite).

All of this free time has lead to me painting and drawing again. I have a "pet project" sketch I've been working on (with some sentimental inspiration) that is turning out better than I anticipated. I'm even REALLY surprised at how well the faces are turning out! Though they don't look all together like the real people, I've really seemed to get the features down like never before; I've really surprised myself as facial features have ALWAYS been a big challenge of mine. Though, I don't know if I'll be sharing it with anyone, probably just framing and hanging in my room. The painted pieces I've done and am working on are all on display (FOR SALE... GREAT GIFTS - *hint hint, wink, wink*) at Crossroads Art Center.

That's about it. My birthday is tomorrow - ooo, yeah, 38 this year... yes really. I'm hoping all of my birthday wishes come true this year, and so far it looks like we're off to a good start. We actually had light snow flurries early last week (nothing that stuck) so I guess I could count that as snow for my birthday if I really wanted to. If things goes as planned tomorrow, that's another wish I can mark off (no, I'm not sharing). The only big one would be a job... *sigh*. Celebrating the 'real' day tomorrow night and then just a casual, social gathering on Friday night with friends and children - what's a party without kids! Outside of that- same ole, different day.

I'm off now. I have babysitting to get to and a couple of errands to run before hand. Love to all!

Which song? "The Future's So Bright" or "It's the End of the World".....

2008-10-24T23:17:00.004-04:00

For the first time in my life, I have that dreaded feeling in the GUT of my stomach over the next two weeks. The utter thought that this country could be turned over to a man so inexperienced, arrogant, and will destroy what this country was founded on is scary! How people can't see beyond the eloquence and smoke in mirrors is beyond me!

I've seen SO much hatred around me from his supporters that it's frightful! I have friends afraid to post signs showing their support because of potential vandalism to their property, people's tires have been slashed because they have McCain stickers on their car, children are being suspended from school because they wear anti-Obama clothing, the racism against whites is UNBELIEVABLY acceptable and the future of this country, if turned over to this man, is dire.

What is even MORE appalling is the WOMEN that are supporting the behavior they are portraying toward Gov. Palin! Women have worked long and hard to gain what they have and EVERY step of the way, men continue to belittle us, patronize us and make light of our achievements. Regardless of whether you like or dislike her beliefs, the fact that a woman would treat her the same and as poorly as the men do.... it just simply goes to prove that all of this "feminist" talk is nothing but bull shit from these so called "liberated" women. If anything, they are an embarrassment to our sex and intelligence.

I and many others have already started looking at homes and properties in Mexico. My best friend's father has lived there for YEARS and sells real estate there. The homes, though needing A LOT of work, are as cheap as buying a brand new car! AND, located mere miles from the ocean! Who could ask for anything more? There is no quarantine for animals, so I could bring my dogs and cats with me, sell what I could and start FRESH! Some of us may even go in and buy a group of casitas together, fix them up and take over a whole block! I bet I could even talk my dad and uncles into coming with me.

I would much rather live in a 3rd world country where people respect each other than in a socialist one. Who in their educated, sane mind would even vote for him? I just don't get it? Are people that easily fooled by his flair and empty promises? If I read the word "temporary" ONE MORE TIME in his Economic Plan, I would have screamed! Temporary means nothing more than "I don't have to do this if I don't want to, but if you want to hear it, there it is." Temporary. I guess it's a safe word to use. "Temporary" - like the first three Economic Plans he issued... "temporary" - like his views on every day, middle class Americans. OH how people have forgotten the early days of his campaigning, belittling "small town, blue collar" workers.

Ugh, I'm just too tired to go on anymore. If you aren't blind, you know who to support. If you are, we will ALL pay the consequences. If you though W was bad, wait until you see what O will do!

WHAT A DAY! Sarah visits Richmond

2008-10-13T23:32:00.003-04:00

WHAT A DAY! I had the pleasure of joining more than 20,000 other supports at a rally today for Sarah Palin. VERY inspiring and a fantastic speaker. She covered several important topics, ranging from Clean Coal Energy, freezing government spending on non-essentials, and made a statement directly at Obama et al with “the arrogance of the Washington elite” and “anger about voter fraud.” (If you've lived in Chicago for any amount of time or know their political history, you understand)

It was a great event, but POORLY organized, unfortunately. It was a standing room only contingency at RIR and unless you arrived well before 10 am, you weren't allowed into the inner circle (which held maybe 1,000-2,000). It was frustrating as we had already been standing in a line for 3 hours that twisted and wound around the grassy area behind the stadium 10 rows deep. If you think waiting for rides at Disney World is bad, you haven't seen anything yet!

I met another open-minded friend who had driven down from Alexandria, actually wound up with some great photo's (despite my camera battery dying 1/2 way through and resorting to my cell phone camera) and waited until the very end when the crowd was less than a few hundred. We worked our way around the barriers and were lucky enough to come within 6-8 feet of Sarah and Todd. The crowd at that level was unbearable, people pushing and stepping on each other, wanting to get closer to the woman who will be the next VP. I also LOVED that they played Shania Twain's "She's Not Just Another Pretty Face" - SO FITTING - which almost seemed like her theme song.

I'd say the only annoying things (outside of the disorganization) were that I felt sorry for the people 60/70 and older. They were standing right beside us in the heat. One gentleman with a cane lost his footing and collapsed onto us. One of the gals with us was kind enough to go all the way back to her car to get him a seat. Then, three people over a woman actually fainted. Second, the ABSURD and FRUSTRATING error in reporting and headlines by the press! (BIG surprise, huh?) Keep reading....

What I am talking about are the headlines that state "Palin mistakes fans for protesters at rally". It was SO off the mark and embarrassing- so I'm making a point of correcting it HERE! There WERE protesters there.... about 20' away. They were shouting about the war and guns and bombs. THAT is when Sarah made her statement about supporting the troops. I read where one reporter stated Todd actually stood up to correct her and say people were shouting "LOUDER!" (that came about 10 minutes later, actually). How on EARTH would a reporter know what Todd said to her... gimmie a break! What you DID hear right after Sarah's statement was OUR contingency shouting "SARAH! SARAH!" There you have it folks... the REAL facts and time line. If THAT doesn't prove how off the mark the media is, nothing does (and I was shocked to see Fox jump on that bandwagon considering how conservative and White House scripted they are)

When you have a moment, take a peak at the pictures I posted from the rally on my Facebook page. I didn't get an autograph or touch the future "First Dude" (lol), but being that close to a great woman is as good as it gets.

Being [what?] in the Workplace?

2008-10-08T09:49:00.003-04:00

As it's been requested that I not discuss a personal issue with my close friends that read this (sorry), I'm deciding to go down a different path. Another place, another time ladies and gents.

I recently saw this posted in the cubical of an associate.

Being Black in the Workplace

They take my kindness for weakness.

They take my silence for speechless.

They consider my uniqueness strange.

They call my language slang.

They see my confidence as conceit.

They see my mistakes as defeat.

They consider my success accidental.

They minimize my intelligence to "potential".

My questions mean "I'm unaware".

My advancement is somehow unfair.

Any praise is preferential treatment.

To voice concern is discontentment.

If I stand up for myself, I'm too defensive.

If I don't trust them, I'm too apprehensive.

I'm defiant if I separate.

Yet, I'm fake if I assimilate.

So, constantly I am faced with workplace hate.

My character is constantly under attack.

Pride for my race makes me, "TOO BLACK".

Yet, I can only be me.

And, who am I you might ask?

I am that Strong Black Person... Who stands on the backs of my ancestors achievements, with an erect spine pointing to the stars with pride, dignity, and respect which lets the workplace in America know, that I not only possess the ability to play by the rules, but I can make them as Well! Black History 365

P.S. Pass -it on to your black co-workers. Good, Better, Best, Never ever rest Until YOUR Good is Better and YOUR Better is Best!

~Author Anonymous

Living in Richmond, the workforce is predominantly black ("African American" for the old-school politically correct). One of my closest friends is black and I am Godmother to her daughter and Great-Godmother to her grand-daughter. I know that if things were ever horrible, she is someone I could count on to be there for me, as I have been for her. She's my sister of another color, my "Est-a" to her "Hattie Mae" (private joke between us). I love her dearly.

I have also been subject to, being white, a type of racism I was not raised around. The south has a HUGE cross it is bearing and anyone in the path of fire becomes a target. It wasn't soon after we moved here as a teen that I learned where a 'white' person's place was... and it wasn't one that meant equality or people being able to 'mingle' in the same places as a black person does, often being questioned about why I was in a certain store by an unprofessional sales rep or being cut off in traffic, an elevator or on the stairs by someone who felt I was not equal to them and didn't deserve any courtesy. All of this behavior was something new to me and difficult for me to comprehend. In time, I just surmised it as how the way life is "down here".

I've been told "You haven’t experienced the trials and tribulations of being Black in America." No, I haven't... but I am a woman and have struggled hard for the education I have and the accomplishments I have made. Because my parents earned "just enough", I was unable to obtain financial aid for college and attend the university of MY choice because of my race; people with grade averages lower than mine were accepted because of their race (yes it's that simple; affimative action is what it's called). I moved out at 17 and obtained the education I could afford. No, I haven't experienced the 'trials and tribulations', but that does not mean I am not empathetic and don't 'understand'.

I was always raised to be able to speak and write with proper English, that 'slang' was always an indicator of a lack of knowledge, ignorance or pure laziness (unless used for humor). I remember as a 7th grader having to write 100 times "Ain't IS NOT a word." in English class because I used the word in a sentence and the teacher overheard me. In the workplace, it is essential and necessary to speak with proper grammar and be able to write effectively in order to get your point across and succeed. I do not see how this could be considered something that would hold one back or biased. If memory serves me, black and white grow up and go to the same schools (at least they did when I was growing up). We had the same teachers and opportunities. The difference came in whether or not you were willing to apply yourself and be the change you want to see or simply fade into your surroundings and just exist. I will admit, when I hear someone say "It don't make no....", "I ain't gonna...." or "Let me 'axe' you a question.", I CRINGE. Double negatives, improper grammar, poor pronunciation... these are all BASICS we learned in elementary school! If you didn't pay attention or didn't apply yourself, how is that anyone elses fault but your own. And, both black and white people are guilty of this, I'm not isolating any one race. (BTW, I even edited the poem so that the commas and spelling were correct! I couldn't do anything with the last sentence; I just let it be to make a point.)

So, back to the poem. In a day and age where we have someone stumping for the highest office in the land by using one word -"Change"- without a foundation beneath it, a poem making excuses for why someone is the way they are (I 'live' with enough excuses as to why something isn't done; I DON'T need it in the workplace), I am once again reminded of the society I live in. Only YOU can be the change you want to see... NO ONE else will do it for you. Don't make excuses, feel sorry for yourself or expect others to treat you a certain way. Your actions have results (contrary to what you think your memory dictates). Looking back upon the poem, never once have I considered someones kindness a weakness (do unto others), someones mistakes defeat (from them you grow), or someone standing up for themselves as defensive (my dad always said you have to look out for no. 1 because no one else will).

Do my thoughts make me a racist? I sure hope not. Do my life experiences? Who really knows. This poem could apply to any woman working today. After all, exactly how many women do you see as CEO's, CFO's and Directors (okay, minus the Fed)... hmm, now does that make me a sexist?

Yes, you ALL know me. I am opinionated, you do as I do and take everything with a grain of salt and not out of context... okay, most people don't take it out of context (lol). I have my thoughts and I usually don't waiver in letting it out when something gets stuck in my craw.

[OK - side track... makes me think of a 'Will and Grace' episode:

GRACE: You know, something you said yesterday really stuck in my craw.
NATHAN: What's a craw?
GRACE: I don't know. I think it's something like a claw.
NATHAN: Why didn't you just saw claw?
GRACE: Can we move past this?

that's all- just had to throw that in there... ha,ha,ha]

So, I feel a little better now. Why can't we all just get along, right? (no, that's NOT open for discussion......lol)

Lazy, crazy Sunday

2008-09-21T12:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I received a phone call early on that one of my cousins had passed away. It's taken everyone by shock. There were no know health ailments and then suddenly she's gone. My dad was very close to her, having helped his sister raise her, go through two bad "fathers" and an abusive husband. Just recently she and the husband I separated, but he moved back in a few days prior. Then, sent in to wake her up yesterday and said she was gone. Just like that! There is A LOT of suspicion from the rest of the family surrounding it and we're trying to gently suggest that her daughter request an autopsy. After all, once a body is cremated, there is nothing you can do.... and that is what her husband is requesting! Time is of the essence.

My dad is a wreck, though, and I'm worried about him. Mom says he hasn't been able to sleep, he's devastated and they can't afford to go to Arkansas for the funeral. I wish there was something we could do. And, worst of all, we're unable to get in touch with my other cousin- her sister. That cousin has MS and we think her husband might have taken her away for the weekend. She and her sister were EXTREMELY close and this will just destroy her! Say some prayers.

Then, on the upside - though it's difficult to be truly as ecstatic as I want to be - the CUBS won the NL Central Division! Of course, it's no big surprise because they were 9 games up, but it just leads to one more thing... the WORLD SERIES, BABY!!! This is the year! They've been number one all along this year and nothing has stopped them. Piniella is awesome! I'm so psyched and am DYING to see them in the WS. What I wouldnt' give to go!

To my sister

2008-09-02T11:36:00.002-04:00

For some, moving on is an impossibility. I was listening to this song yesterday and the lyrics really hit me. This goes out to my sister.... she knows which one she is... I'm done fighting; her wish is granted. This is my final comment to her.

GREAT Old Movies!

2008-08-29T00:34:00.003-04:00

I was going through a lot of my old black and white VHS' that I had recorded, seeing if any of them are still in viewable condition (some are over 15 years old!) MAN those were some great classics! My favorite actresses were Veronica Lake - of course! - So Proudly We Hail, I Married a Witch, Sullivan's Travels. Then there's Claudette Colbert, also in So Proudly We Hail and The Guilded Lily. And I can't forget Merle Oberon! She was in one of the first movies that got me hooked on the classics, These Three, which lead to Wuthering Heights, 'Til We Meet Again, The Scarlet Pimpernal.

Of course I followed all of the leading ladies, icons of their time, portraying women of strength, courage... and guile :). Some of the tapes still work, a couple are better off ditching. I'll have to see if I can't find a collection of these on DVD somewhere! I could spend a whole, rainy afternoon watching them all! ~~~~~ I MUST go to bed now. If I don't it'll be another day of arriving late at work!

It's Behind You, But Always There

2008-08-28T16:29:00.007-04:00

I've been contemplating for a while now on rather to write about something that seemed to creep up out of nowhere. It always does, some how. I think it's a way of the Divine Mother's way of testing your strength and resistance, recalling acounts from the past that - for better or worse - changed your life.

One "anniversary" behind me, another slowly approaching. Being an active supporter and volunteer of RAINN and the Joyful Heart Foundation, I'm always aware of the events that are going on in my area and nationwide. April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (hmm, how fitting?) and November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. But, the 25th of September is RAINN Day on college campuses across the nation, bringing awareness to the prevelance of sexual assault to college age students. (Ironically enough, 9/25 is the anniversary of my first rape)

Being a proud survivor, supporter and speaker are just a few ways I have overcome those dark parts of my life and become the strong, independent woman I am today. But, this does not mean the events don't still linger there and that the "triggers" disappeared. Just last week I had someone - a woman no less - tell me it was something I had to "get over". My first instinct was "THE NERVE!". But then I understood that she had no idea what she was saying. Through all of my years of volunteer work and being a supporter of survivors like myself, that is the LAST thing you tell anyone who has endured a trauma.

As everyone knows, I can't stand smoking. For various reasons, but the last incident is pretty much the one that sealed the coffin on it. What started innocently enough, someone trying to "make amends" - for lack of better terminology - and be the sweet guy he is, set my mind in a tail spin of sorts. I've avoided it for years now, primarily the reason I won't date smokers; the lingering STENCH that stays on the hands and fingers after one has smoked a cigarette. If you're a smoker, you don't understand, but those of us who don't... you know what I'm talking about. It's a dirty, musty, chemical smell. It's the smell I remember before passing out after being "ruffied"... and the first one upon coming to.

That single incident of someone wanting to touch my cheek... and that "smell" set me off. It's a triggier I concsiously and sub-consiously have avoided for 7 years. It's one that seems to bring back the pain and memories more than anything else. Yes, I remember it like yesterday, but for years I've been able to compartimentalize it in a box and keep it away. There was no real emotion to it past dealing with it at the time it happened and the few months that followed. Now, just a memory of that smell.... and it makes my stomach turn and my head spin.

But, it doesn't seem to stop there... and I'm not really sure what kind of message the universe is trying to send me? A few weeks back I was scanning Facebook pages to see if there were any other people I knew networked among the friends I already had listed (Richmond is so small after all). And there he was. On another friend's page listed as her friend..... April 15, 2001... the same man who had drugged and raped me. It sent a chill through my body. I would pretty much expect no less, seeing as his father is a prominent Richmond businessman. But it sickened me all the same. The memories came flooding back in waves, what little there is to remember. He's the type of guy that people would say "Not him? He gets all kinds of girls!" (hmmm, wonder why!)

So you have these memories that creep in from the past. They are buried, but sometimes they come back to remind you they will never really be gone. Though the first rape over 15 years ago doesn't affect me anymore (I blamed myself for being too kind and concerned; yes, I know it's not my fault...), this one somehow still gets to me every now and again. Maybe it's because I thought I could trust the friends around me to look out for me (the restaurants owners, the bartenders I knew well, the friend I called in a panic when I knew the way I was feeling "wasn't right")? Or maybe it's because I had absolutely no control over the situation? Or perhaps because I couldn't prosecute him because of the drug? There are too many variables to psychoanylize, and trust me, I've been through it before.

But, how do you tell a man that a gesture of kindness he was making had absolutely nothing to do with him but some horrible event that happened years ago? Someone you're newly involved with doesn't want to hear deep stuff like that, regardless of how long you've known or seen each other. From the moment that event occured, everything between the two of us seems to have sped downhill. The irony is, he isn't even a "smoker" (in a smokers definition of the use)!

So, what is it the universe is trying to tell me? Am I suppose to be preparing for something bigger to come along? (I've gotta tell ya, my plate is pretty full already). And, how do you relay this information to someone and stress that you are NOT a victim? Yes, things happen; terrible, horrible, life altering events that shatter the person you were but make the person you become even stronger, in most cases. **SIGH** If there truly is justice out there, why isn't it more apparent and why do we push away those we really don't want to while trying to deal with and figure it all out?

Eight Medals, Well Deserved

2008-08-19T23:29:00.006-04:00

Redemption. Karma. Only two words I can think of regarding the Balance Beam competition tonight. Shawn and Nastia for the most part nailed their routines, thereby winning the silver and gold medals. I love Nastia. Her moves are very poised and artistic. You can see the smooth movements and grace that make the event so beautiful. Shawn is a little firecracker, reminiscent of Mary Lou or Kerri. Nastia takes the edge for me because Shawn's moves come across a little robotic. My dad, however, favors Shawn because she always smiles. Maybe it's because she reminds him of my sister when she was a gymnast all those years ago? I do see the resemblance.

These young ladies made our country proud tonight. In the wake of the controversy with the young Chinese and the inexperienced judges, these young ladies portrayed themselves with dignity and grace. Shawn's gold was well deserved and Nastia did a beautiful job earning her silver. Will we see them in 2012 in London? Who knows. But this go around, they should be very proud of themselves. Congratulations, ladies!

It's too hard.... :(

2008-08-13T23:39:00.005-04:00

I'm trying... I REALLY am.... but it's killing me... I'm exhausted. Barely four hours sleep a night, not able to sleep in on the weekends like usual... it's my death. What you ask? The Olympics! (ha,ha,ha) I'm a HUGE supporter, I really am... but these late night "LIVE" re-runs are too much! They need to start showing them around 6pm. I LOVE gymnastics.... so much talent and skill involved in it. Sure, the swimming is great, but I'm SO right brain that it's all of the artistry of the gymnastic moves and strength that REALLY get me. And all of those "men" out there 'poo pooing' in the other night at the local watering hole? I'd like to see YOU try it (lol).

'nough said! :-)

Of course, I just watched the guy from Japan rip loose from the rigns and fall like a ragdoll to the mat. I seriously feel for him- how devestating.

So, some closing thoughts for the night befor I totally CRASH and burn:

What does it mean when you have that "chill/tick/shake" for a split second?
Do men REALLY notice if you get a thorough pedicure?
What would happen if we DIDN'T have daylight savings?
If I won the $70,000,000 lotto this week, what should I do with the winnings?
Camping.... with or without an air mattress?
You catch, you clean, you kill (fishing, of course... what did you think I was talking about)?

TEAM USA GOLD, BABY!

2008-08-11T11:53:00.004-04:00

I'm not a big fan of swimming (could have something to do with the first experience I had with swim lessons, the YMCA throwing me in saying swim to the edge), but I do LOVE to watch the "underdog" come from behind and nip an arrogant team in the bumm! Such was the event last night watching France taunt Team USA (Phelps, Lezak, Jones, Weber-Gale) telling them how much they sucked and would bury them.

The reaction from Phelps made the WHOLE EVENT worthwhile! The way Lezak pulled it out right there in the end... it had EVERYONE On thier feet... AND to break the world record! THIS is what the Olympics is all about!!! GO TEAM!!!

NEW Vacation Spot

2008-08-11T11:21:00.003-04:00

I came across this while reading the AARP magazine yesterday (yeah, yeah - I know - insert joke "here"). This place is a little known hideaway off the coast of Brasil, a set of 21 Islands known as Fernando de Noronha. ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING! One day, I would LOVE to visit... and I hear it isn't expensive, either! If you're into scuba, deep sea diving, swimming with dolphins... this is aparently the place.

For those interested in more information, you can check out this link:
http://www.noronha.pe.gov.br/eng/ctudo-tourism-intro.asp

ENJOY!

One World, One Dream

2008-08-07T10:25:00.005-04:00

IT'S HERE! Though we will only be seeing the opening ceremonies beginning tomorrow night, the Opening Ceremonies of Olympics have already happened in China and the games are under way. I'm meeting my friend at the local pub tomorrow to watch the Opening Ceremonies being broadcast on NBC.

My all time FAVORITE sports of the Summer Olympics are gymnastics (men's and women's) and beach volleyball. I actually found out TODAY that the gal I work with has a NIECE competing! Talk about EXCITING! Her name is Queen Quedith Harrison and she's from right here in Richmond, VA. She'll be running in the Women's 400m Hurdles (even more surreal, she was born the year I graduated from high school!)

To check out the Olympics website, you can click on the following link: Beijing 2008 Olympics. Of course it's in Traditional Chinese, butther eis a link in the top right hand corner that you can click on to read it in English ***whew***. The mascots are adorable! Each one represents one of the elements or blessings (how cool is THAT!) It's very apparent just looking at them. Beibei is the blessing of Properity (water), Jingjing the blessing of Happiness (earth), Huanhuan the blessing of Passion (fire), Yingying the blessing of Health (air) and Nini the blessing of Good Luck (spirit).

The next exciting thing is that the gymnastics gets underway on Saturday! Heartbreaking to read was that Morgan Hamm withdrew today from competeing becauses of his ankle injury. Where that leaves the men's team, I'm not too sure. I was really looking forward to watching Morgan compete again (good ole Wisconsin boy that he is!). And Shawn Johnson is goign to be VERY exciting to watch! The next Mary Lou, perhaps?

Here's to all of the athelets from all of the nations around the world! Congratulations for making it this far and best of luck!

Mamma Mia!!!

2008-08-03T20:17:00.002-04:00

I'm hooked! I went with the girls to go see "Mamma Mia" yesterday afternoon. I had always "poo pooed" the idea of the musical because I couldn't fathom making a musical of ABBA music. Now don't get me wrong- I LOVE ABBA, always have!

Sitting in the theater, it took me right back to the very first album I ever bought, at a garage sale: ABBA Arrival! And I was hooked! I sang, I laughed, I cried, I boogied in my seat (lol). Meryl Streep was HILARIOUS in the movie! I kept seeing my mom in MANY of the scenes, being silly, dancing like a dork, sticking her tongue out. Even she agreed. And I would NEVER pass up an afternoon with Pierce Brosnan (YUMM-O!)!!! His wife is a very lucky woman! I'll spare you the rest of the details ;)... hubba, hubba!

I ran out today and bought the soundtrack and can't get the songs out of my head (which is a hell of a lot better than that STUPID Flobots song "No Handlebars" which has been resonating there for days!). 'Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie!', 'Waterloo', 'Money, Money, Money', 'I Have a Dream'.... I've been singing all night and day. What a FUN movie! I highly recommend it to everyone!

Setting it in Greece was awesome. I loved the trail up to the church, the beautiful white and blue houses, Aphrodite (you have to see to understand) and the water. Jenni and I just love the culture there. Both mom AND Mary said "Both of you girls would fit right in!" (a little background. Mary, Jenni and I went to the movie. Mary is Jenni's mom. EVERYONE who sees us thinks Jenni, Mary and I are related......my mom is adopted. You put the puzzle pieces together). Now, if I can just find myself a handsome Greek to sweep me away to one of those beautiful islands....

Welcome to my NEW Blog Home!

2008-08-02T00:06:00.003-04:00

Welcome to my new home! I felt it was time for a change and a fresh start. I can't say I'll be any better at keeping up to date on the entries, because as of late, it's been C-R-A-Z-Y, but at least the layout is fresh and you can view some new pics in a slide show.

I know you're all DYING to know what's been going on since the surprising layoff. Bouncing right back like the pro I have become, I landed a contract job at the Federal Reserve Bank. I'm covering for someone out on maternity leave, but I'm staying very positive and doing what I do best - work my butt off and get things in line and organized and I've already 'WOWED' everyone I work with. We're hoping this will become something permanent as the Fed appears to be a VERY stable organization! Ahhh - to finally be free of potential lay-offs and enjoy what I do all in the same spin!

In the 5 weeks I was waiting for this opportunity to come along, I was actually able to fit in a mini-vacation to the OBX, which I haven't really been able to enjoy in YEARS! I worked on my GREAT tan, spent time with the kids I babysit, made some $$ on the side and was able to RELAX for a while. Despite the employment and financial set-back, the universe has been very good to me. I've finally been able to enjoy a summer after having missed the last two due to work hours. Being the sun worshiper that I am, all of the rays have helped with the depression, too.

And the all important question everyone always asks, "Am I seeing ANYONE?" Well, let me see? I see a lot of people! At the store, at work, while driving, while walking, on TV.... OH! You mean the OTHER kind of seeing! That, my dears, is a loaded question! Am I involved, in love and on the marriage track? HECK NO! But, I do have a couple (yes, meaning TWO) of "gentlemen friends" in my life at the moment and for the most part am very content with the state of affairs. They aren't beau's, boyfriend's, lover's or such.... simply wonderful men who put up with my shit and enjoy spending time with me and likewise. No stress, no mess, and it's just the way I like it... as Janet Jackson says "I'm in control"...lol, and they would probably agree, too :). Seriously, though, control meaning I won't get hurt, it's not serious and it's just the type of relationships I like. Though, I will admit, I have developed quite a fondness for the two and do miss them when I don't see them.

I hope everyone else is doing MAHvelous and will catch up to you all very soon!

Where Have I Been? What's Going On?

2008-06-27T15:24:00.001-04:00

YES.... this has been me the past few weeks (you read correctly... weeks). It appears I've been missing (not listening to) the messages the universe has been sending about deceitful and backstabber's at work (after a career of them, you think I'd have a clue about "trusting" people). Anyhoo, there are many issues at play here and I'm confident it's coming to an end VERY soon - thank you, Manea! I am truly blessed by the many TRUE friends and companions I have in my life :).

So all of you are left mystified right now, I bet. In truth, there was no deception to the event at the beginning of the month, it was what I found out after the fact. On the 6th, my position with the NEW company I was working for (that I'd only been at for 2 1/2 months) was eliminated. Apparently, the role wasn't budgeted for the coming year and profits weren't as they had anticipated. It was a shock, yes, but no hurt feels. What DID hurt was finding out after the fact that so called "friends" I had made there bad-mouthed me and talked about me behind my back incessantly! I did make one good friend, thank goodness. I suppose I shouldn't be so trusting of people... but the irony in that is that I desperately need to trust the divine? But that's for another time. NO WORRIES, though! You know, I bounce back very quickly and already have a FANTASTIC prospect for a new job that will start in about 2 weeks (yeah!). It's just a short-term contract, but something is better than nothing and it's more than I was making at Collier, which means I'll actually be able to save/earn back (???) what I HAD saved in the two months I was there... are you confused yet? The head hunter and myself are pretty positive about it and I should know something by the end of next week or beginning of the following - YIPPEE!!!!

Then the other shock came yesterday. I will not dwell on it, think about it or harbor ill will toward people who fear and use others to protect themselves. The outcome is not final as of yet and has just begun, but will be over very soon, I'm assured. "Just in the nick of time", I'm told (reminds me of a scene in Practical Magic when the aunts return...). I'm sorry I leave a shield of mystery surrounding things, but it's necessary for the time being and will be revealed at a later date. BUT, those of you reading this... I do ask ONE thing.... you can help me by remembering and thinking about the wonderful times we've spent together, love, joy, and happiness. The focus is to bring as much loving white light and energy to surround me over the next few days (yeah, tall order... but ya LOVE me, so it's not that tough - ha,ha, ha)!

OK - what else... I have a GREAT tan going, it's INCREDIBLY humid already - in the 90's and 100's - and I'm actually able to spend quality time with my "kids" (the pups) and my OTHER "kids" (my babysitting families). That has been the most rewarding part. I just ADORE these kids so much! Sure, I feel like I missed out a bit on life because I never became a mom, but it also wouldn't have allowed me the opportunity to be part of the lives of these amazing kids! They make me laugh and cry and - yes - give you a few headaches when they fight (sorry mom and dad.... a little late, but better now than never). but, I love them and they love me and I'm really drawing on that over the next few days.

It's weird. Despite what the "evil doers" (sorry, had to quote Bush-lol) do to wreck havoc in your life, there will always be more love to combat it. AND, that's where karma will come into play and back on them... simple enough. I'm proud that I am a good, wholesome person. I do nothing to harm those immediately in my sphere and never will. It's those ugly souls I worry about...

It Was Two Years Ago Today

2008-06-05T14:47:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, today, I lost the best friend, companion, baby and soul mate I could have asked for (as a matter of fact I did- ha, ha). About 18 years ago I was having a "heart to heart" with the powers that be, doing what every young woman does, requesting a mate . I was requesting someone who would love me unconditionally, be strong, stand by me, never run away or be afraid of my inner strength, be handsome and debonair and always protect me. The lesson I learned from that request was to be VERY specific about what you're asking for. That wish did come true.... in the form of a dog!

I am FOREVER grateful for the gift he was in my life! WE vacationed, traveled, played and had some great memories together. He was a rescued dog that they had difficulty placed, and hesitated showing me, stating that he wasn't too welcoming to new people. When I arrived at the foster home he was at, this "little man" came prancing over from the backyard, tail wagging, and when I opened my car door, he hopped right in as if to say "Let's go!". It took me off guard and his foster mother who didn't hesitate to let me take him home that day.

We did have our trials as he didn't like ANY other dogs (with the exception of maybe 5) and his health was always in check due to disk displaysia. I thought I'd almost lost him once before in Pittsburgh because the pain was so bad they admitted him to the vet hospital for 3 days to calm him and allow the disk to hopefully slip back into place (anyone with Dachshunds knows what I'm talking about). When one of his episodes would flare up, it would break my heart, his cries sounding like that of a wounded baby seal. But, I wouldn't have traded him for the world!

Anyone who knew or ever met Jake knew he was all of those things and then some. He saved my life more than once and was as devoted to me as I was to him to the very end. The most DIFFICULT decision I ever had to make was choosing to end his pain. I thought I had more time, but his body decided otherwise. On June 5, 2006, Jake quietly passed away in my arms at the vets office. All at once I felt such a flood of emotion- loss, grief, relief and love. Part of me felt like I had given up on him, yet I was constantly reassured I had made the right choice. (and I cry now as I write this)

It's two years today that I lost my baby. At 15, he lead a great life and was pretty pampered, ask my friends. He enjoyed being the "co-pilot" in the car and went with me on business trips. Bein g the 'gentleman' he was, he was the ONLY canine guest welcome at two of the Inns I frequented. In many cases, on my business travels, the inn keepers appeared to be more eager to see HIM again than me .

He holds a place of honor on a shelf in my room, an urn, his photo, paw print and "Pooka" (bear) there looking over and still protecting me. I have two new additions, though they will never replace him. Sophie is my "little girl" and ever fragile and genteel... and then there's Basil... all I can say is that for his cute and cuddly qualities, he is definitely the "trouble child" who tests me daily and is no Jake. But, it's time for a new generation and to share the love elsewhere. But Jake will ALWAYS be a part of my heart.

How do you spell relief?

2008-03-25T21:18:00.000-04:00

N-E-W J-O-B!

I LOVE my new job! I haven't been this relaxed in QUITE a while! There are a few things I want to tweak (which they'll be open to sine it's one of the reasons they hired me) and the BEST part? My BP has DROPPED! by the end of today it was 131/80 and last night it was 124/79!!! It hasn't been THAT normal in over 3 years! I'd like to think that not just the reduction in my stress level, but also my change in diet has something to do with it :) I can't wait to show the new results to my doctor!

I do miss my co-workers at Jared (the Galleria of Jewelry), though. I'll visit on the weekends if I'm out there, though. But, I feel like I'm back in the saddle with this new job and can't WAIT to really get rolling with it! I'm going to get started with the database of customers (they don't have one yet!) and keep going from there.

With all of these changes, it just means it's time to make more changes. I picked up paint samples yesterday and am going to ask the landlord if it's ok if I paint the living room, dining room, and kitchen (probably my bedroom, too). I really can't stand this drab muted yellow color that's throughout the house. I want vibrant reds, yellows, greens and browns! Maybe even blue, don't know? I'm re-newing the lease, probably for another 2 years, and want to make it "home", especially if I plan to negotiate a rent-to-own option.

And, I'm going to get started with planting in the front yard and blow the leaves in the backyard. Now THAT will be an undertaking!!! It took 2 full days to blow the leaves into three piles in the front yard a couple months ago. I'm sure the backyard will take WEEKS and at that, I'm just going to blow them all to the corner in the back forty.

There's the latest, folks. Hope you're all well. Stay happy and POSITIVE and wonderful things will come your way! MUAH!

YAHOO!!!!

2008-03-18T23:38:00.000-04:00

It's OFFICIAL! I FINALLY have a NEW JOB! It pays MUCH better than the mediocre one I've had at Jared the past 10 mths and I will hopefully FINALLY be able to get caught up on the overdue bills due to the ungodly increase from the new roommate; my electric was $380 last month!!! It was ONLY $192 the same time last year!..... THREE HUNDRED AND F'ING EIGHTY! I have been home less, it's been a warmer winter and I only used 3 instead of 5 space heaters this year. How the HECK it went up almost $200 is insane!!! Of course, the roomie tried to put it back on me because I would leave the heaters on at night (umm, did last year too). It could be the extra electrical units plugged in or PERHAPS the 3-4 "small" loads of laundry done every week when his kids visit for 2 nights.... ya think? OK - I've vented a little. Now just need to get out of the $300 O/D this has put me in... *Sigh*

The new job starts on Monday and I can't WAIT to get started. My brain will be able to function again, I'll have actual work to do and I'll be more financially secure. I may actually be able to travel this year, too! Of course, my 20-yr reunion is in August, so that one is pretty much nailed down (darn, I still have A LOT of planning to still do for it). Let's see, what else.... the puppy is still driving me nuts; he turns 1 next month. My nephew turns 11 in 2 weeks (OMG!). Strawberry Hills is coming up and we almost have a full car load. And once I get my job started and the timing worked out, I'll FINALLY be able to go to the gym on a regular basis (those closing shifts KILLED me)! Oh, and I have ALL of this bloody yard work to do! It sucks undertaking the whole thing solo, but no one else will do it so you rely on numero uno (as dad would say).

I'm off to bed now. Three more days in retail-hell and then a have a whole weekend to rest (though Day and Dennis wil be over for Ostara/Ester Dinner on Sunday). G'night all! Sweet dreams and many blessings (and continue to please say prayers for Dorathy)....

Heart Pains

2008-03-04T00:22:00.002-05:00

I just received the news today that a friend and former colleague of mine from several years ago had a stroke on Friday. I and the friend that called me to let me know are in absolute shock and disbelief. Like myself, apparently she has been dealing with HBP lately and in the past. She had been feeling tired and disoriented last week and before anyone knew it, she had a stroke and is in the ICU on life support at a local hospital.

Outside of being a smoker (which I'm not sure she was still doing), she was a healthy, active, beautiful person! Petite, brunette and funny, she had a lot going for her and would always do anything to help in a pinch. I'm absolutely heartbroken thinking of her lying in a hospital bed with machines attached to her and there being no hope of survival!

The stroke affected the part of her brain that controls movement and physical ability. At first they thought only her left side was paralyzed, but the doctors have stated it is her entire body and that she is in a vegetative state. It's too surreal. My memories of her are of her being bubbly, dancing, water skiing and always smiling. I haven't seen her in a while, but we kept in touch through e-mails. I had been thinking about her a lot recently, and now I know why.

Her family is completley devastated! She has a 13 year old daughter (who lost her father to a domestic violence incident with his 3rd wife) who is as beautiful as she is. Her family is torn, trying to decide what to do; let your daughter live in a vegetative state the rest of her life or take her off of life support and let her pass on?

I cried most of the afternoon and some tonight wishing I had done more to see her, make more of a frequent effort to keep in touch. She is only 41.... FORTY-ONE! Just a few years older than I am.... A STROKE! It just really hits home! My own doctor stated just 4 months ago that had it not been for medication I was taking before going on the beta-blockers that I definitely would have had a stroke myself, he had absolutely no doubt about it.

The thought of going to the funeral of a friend this week is too much. We shouldn't be dying, we should be living. This is the last place I intended to see old friends again... or even to have to say good bye to one. You always receive those e-mail chain letters about telling people how much they mean to you every chance you get. It couldn't be more true! I wish I had just one more chance to tell her what a great person I thought she was, superb manager and gifted in so many ways.

Please keep my friend Dorathy, her daughter and her family in your prayers this week. I'm only hoping a miracle will manifest itself this week and she will come out of this healthy and mildly affected. Miracles do happen, right?

BUSY Little Bee!

2008-02-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

YEAH! It's almost March! My crocus' are already blooming (along with the daffodils that were here long before I moved in) and I can't WAIT for the tulips to finally bloom! It has been the WEIRDEST winter here, mostly 50's and 60's, and not even enough snow to sneeze at!

I'm steadily on the road to finding a new job and hope something positive will happen by the end of March. It can't be soon enough! I'm about to loose my mind with all of the retail BS! *sigh*.... how I miss corporate and office work! At least I have the kids I babysit to keep me sane (how fun is that... and most parents say children drive them INsane).

The 20-year reunion for our high school is starting to FINALLY come together after a little hurdle and bump in the road. The best part has been re-connecting with everyone after all of these years! I really do miss Harvard so much (or maybe just the people I went to school with). I really can't WAIT for it finally to all get here (and with a new job, I should ACTUALLY be able to go)!

Then, there is the pending "holiday" coming up. For me, it's Ostara, those in the mundane world prefer to celebrate Easter. It's actually going to be a very nice celebration this year. It won't be the first Easter I've spent w/o family, but thank goodness for the family you choose, the friends you bring into your fold. I was speaking with a friend at work today, one I've become very close to, and we're actually going to celebrate it together! A good, old-fashioned, family dinner with all the fixin's (lol). I'm looking forward to actually having a nice dinner party in my home for a change, I'm always at everyone else's. When we spent New Year's together, we had SUCH a good time; I'm really looking forward to doing it again. I invited another friend, but don't know if she, her beau and son will make it.

It's odd.... after my debacles with Xperts and eFilescare (lol), I have been very guarded and hesitant to make friends where I work again, the whole trust factor and all. But, I really would up with a good friend at this company and while at eFile. I truly was blessed with that!

Well, off to bed. There's a brief update for ya! Say some prayers, send some blessings, work a little magic and keep your fingers crossed! Next week should be the start of a new beginning, I hope!

Reuunion Angst!

2008-02-03T23:22:00.000-05:00

So things were going GREAT! We had the date set, planning was smooth sailing, the reception place was narrowed down and ALL of a sudden there are about 4 "local-yokals" that want to move the date because it's inconvenient for "them"! Ummm... WHERE were you folks MONTHS ago when we got the word out, started the planning and asked for frickin' feedback? And NOW you want to step in and change EVERYTHING?

We took everything into consideration - knowing about 80% of the class will be coming in from out of town, arranging lodging, a suitable locale AND when people would most like to come. THEN, people want to up and change everything? NEVER MIND that we have spent money getting everything straight, arranged and getting things together. And the rumor mill says they're looking at August? That's back to school and off to college time for most! That couldn't be a WORSE time. Especially for travelers.

That's fine. The group there wants to do there own little thing, fine. They live there, can get together many times a year. The bulk of us aren't going to make trips back and forth and we want to ENJOY our time. As a whole, we selected Milk Days Weekend. I'm sorry if you'd rather go to a party locally and think it's an inconvenience to visit with long ago friends, but let's get real. It truly isn't about YOU. It's about everyone and the 130 students that attended along WITH you - not just to 4-6 that want a different date.

ARG! Some people will just never get it...........

The Latest and Greatest!!!!

2008-01-30T00:43:00.001-05:00

I know I haven't really been on much lately. I've been SUPER busy! I've been babysitting on all of my days off and I absolutely LOVE the kids! They are adorable and so precious! Then, in the "in-between" times, I've been working on heading up the 20 year reunion for Harvard. Though at a distance, everyone has been pitching in and been a great support. We're having a decent response and JUST MIGHT have a well know Midwest band to play! Talk about big time! CHHS PALES in comparison!

Then, I started going to the gym last week. And ya know what, I LOVE IT! SUZANNE... you HAVE to join me!!!! It's right here at Libbie Place. First, I would no longer be the YOUNGEST woman there and second, it's about 30-45 minutes a day and fun! Seriously. I'm a huge anti-gym person, but I actually enjoy this (though I DID happen to push myself a little yesterday working out some aggravation on what seems to be me beating a dead horse; UGH, the thighs are KILLING ME). But, I'll be there again tomorrow a.m.

The job I posted for in Corporate didn't pan out because I haven't been with the company "a full year" even though I have just the skills they're looking for (total BS if you ask me). That's fine; it just means that if they don't come through I'll take an offer elsewhere where I can be paid what I'm worth (plus, every time I ask someone what's in Akron, OH, I get "Nothing"). Not to mention, it'd be tough for my roommate to come up with the security dep. balance in a month!

Let's see... I worked a DOUBLE tonight! That's ok, I'm racking up the "you owe me BIG TIME"'s with my boss! My BP the other day after ANOTHER call on my day off resulted in a BP of 178/136. I haven't had a day off w/o a work call in over a month... well, yesterday was actually the first. I get to see my "friend" in less than a month; and overnight in the DC area... I CAN'T WAIT!

I’m DYING to see 27 Dresses - the movie about "moi" (lol). I have THREE DAYS off this coming weekend and don't know WHAT to do with myself! I almost feel a little spoiled... NAH! I might try out Manea's "Free Hugs" campaign at Short Pump Town Center (tee-hee)? Lastly.... I'd LOVE to take in a Joshua Radin/Ingrid Michaelson concert! The closest one so far in is Philly in March. Don't know if I can swing it or not. And I'd LOVE to have people go with me. I'm trying to campaign and get them closer to RIC.

Add a comment, post a reply and send me your thoughts.

LOVE TO ALL!

And the winner is.....

2008-01-09T02:14:00.000-05:00

My heart skipped a beat tonight....in an excited way (I know, it's silly).

I watched the tail end of the Peoples Choice Awards tonight ("work" took the beginning); the "Queen" looked awesome all dressed up for JUST the camera tonight- I give her props! Of course, I was more or less anxious to see who won Best New Drama.

If you've been following my blogs, you'd already know who I was pulling for. When they announced it, I let out a "YES!" and my heart skipped it's beat when they showed him... the man of the night...."Mick St. James" (aka Alex O'Laughlin). In the words of an old family friend, Mrs. Shields "HUBBA, HUBBA"!

CONGRATS go out to the cast of "Moonlight"!!! I've loved Sophia Myles since watching her in Tristan & Isolde. O'Laughlin carries that aire of mystery with him. And the stories actually keep you coming back. I'm looking forward to when the strike is over and the greedy hollywood execs give them their well deserved raises. I need more Moonlight!